Brandi with an i

Rosier goggles

2011-03-04T09:49:00.000-08:00

I intended to blog yesterday. I was feeling down and a little overwhelmed, and not a little frustrated with myself. I was going to say something along the lines of "wanting to suck the juice out of life, but having a hard time getting through all the damn peel"
I didn't get around to it (*irony*), and I feel less like that today.

Maybe it's because my monster cold has eased up on me a little. Maybe it's because the sun is shining. Maybe it's because it's Friday, and it's hard to feel overwhelmed on Friday when nobody has to go to work/school for two whole days and I can suck up time with my loves. Maybe it's because Damien is done with basketball for the season. Maybe it's because Patrick rearranged the living room and cleaned out my car and mowed the lawn. Maybe it's because Emily got her science project done and turned in and got an A. Maybe it's because Cali didn't cry when I dropped her off at preschool.

Whatever the reason, I'm grateful for the opportunity to breathe (literally! Thank you su-phedrine) and enjoy life rather than feel burdened by it.

__________________________________

At breakfast this morning, Patrick and I are eating with Cali between us and she's counting out some change on the table.
5 pennies, 2 nickels, 1 dime.

Patrick is explaining the value of each and how the 5 pennies is the same as one nickel and the 2 nickels are the same as the one little dime.

p- "does that make sense?"

c- "kind of"

p- "it does! it makes 25 cents! Ha."

We smirk at each other, so clever.

Caliana furrows her little brow. "but there's only 8" She starts to count them.

"one, two, free, four"

Patrick interrupts. "not free. Money's never free. It's three, th th three."

Cali goes back to eating her breakfast. Patrick gets up. A few minutes later she looks at me and says

"THree, th, three"

Her little tongue sticking out, making the correct sound. We smile at each other.

No point or punchline. It's just another moment. Life. Family. Teaching. Breakfast. Joking. Smiling. It's the good stuff.

Things that have happened

2011-01-25T10:15:00.000-08:00

but you wouldn't know because I haven't blogged for two months.

1. I actually turned 30, uneventfully, but I still got carded to buy a lighter the other day, win!

2. We had Thanksgiving the next day, which sucked. It was just us, I cooked, the kids drove me crazy, our oven stopped working, so our turkey was undercooked and inedible. But then we went to the movies after dinner and saw Tangled and the day was saved.

3. The day after THAT we went and cut our Christmas tree down, which was a splendid splendid day, with hay rides, baby goats, storytime with Mrs Clause, et al. Afterwards we went downtown for the city tree lighting which was laughable, but then I won a raffle and got a basket with hundreds of dollars of merchandise and gift cards, so yay me.

4. No, I'm not giving you a day by day of the past two months

5. I'm sure stuff happened in the first half of December, but I can't remember any of it

6. My new niece Jessa was born and she's perfect

7. Emily and I had our annual trip to the Nutcracker in San Francisco, where we cursed every red light through the city, because every time we stopped, the car would start overheating, and there was steam, and people were staring. We had a blast.

8. Christmas eve we went to church and then to my mom's where we had turkey and ham and visited and had a great time. And then Patrick and I stayed up allllll night putting ribbons and bows on presents, and painting and putting together Damien's skateboard ramp, and Caliana's kitchen and Emily's gymnastics bar.

9. Christmas, which was perfect. The kids were so happy and grateful and my mom came over and I made a really good dinner, which made up for Thanksgiving.

10. We threw a New Years party, with a whole crapload of sixth graders. It was crazy and fun and I'm forever traumatized by the thought that I have to raise at least 3 teenagers

11. My mom moved to Oregon :(

12. Emily started Level 5 in gymnastics, so we now go to the gym six, yes SIX days a week.

13. Damien started this season of basketball. They're 3 and 1.

14. I've taken approximately 50 pregnancy tests and been tortured by a period being 3 days late and more recently FIVE days late, thank you very much for THAT!

15. There's more, but now I'm distracted by thoughts of babies

I'll try not to stay gone so long, I know this is all thrilling and you all check back here every hour on the hour looking for my updates. Love ya's!

Can I have my grown up badge now?

2010-11-23T09:49:00.000-08:00

I turn 30 tomorrow.

I'm ready.

A good friend of mine told me that she cried on her 30th birthday.

I'm excited.

12 years ago when I turned 18 and officially became an adult, I was 3 months pregnant with my daughter. I got maternity clothes for my birthday.
Everyone says that teens having babies have to grow up so fast, and it's true. I did, but that doesn't mean that you're recognized as such.

"you're such a baby" people said. And everyone felt sorry for me, and gave me pitying looks. The grown up responsibilities and challenges were there, but without first earning my place in a grown up world.

No one wants to rent an apartment to a 19 year old, a 20 year old, a 21 year old....
you're too young, you're not trustworthy.

And there were lessons to be learned, things I needed to find out the hard way, growing up to do, but I've shouldered the responsibilities, kept my job, found people to rent to me, bought cars, paid insurance, birthed and nursed 3 children, been to countless dr appointments, changed countless diapers, juggled work and daycare and college, thrown 23 birthday parties, been to 15 parent-teacher conferences, and dance practices and baseball practices and basketball practices and gymnastics practices, and recitals and parades and Halloween costumes and and and....

taught them to read, and to use their manners and to use the toilet, and have been responsible for their lives as well as mine....

and I'm not a baby.

Recognize.

30!

A picture post

2010-11-09T11:50:00.000-08:00

Halloween:

At school

At six flags. Cali wore Damien's old Alvin costume. She was a big hit!

Post trick or treating:

The queen with her spoils

It's been gymnastics competetive season, so that means it's been all gymnastics all the time....practices 5 days a week, privates, et al.
It all culminated this past weekend in zones (which is like regionals for gymnasts). Emily was 3 tenths of a point from making states, so the season ended on a bittersweet note. Now it's time to start training for next season! Lol.

Random:

Damien with our cat Ashes

Emily with her boyfriend Jordan

My new sewing spot! No more moving it on and off the kitchen table!!

Caliana and cousin Jasmin practicing their gymnastics

and a quick pic of me so I don't feel left out :)

Beat at the meet

2010-10-26T10:43:00.000-07:00

Emily had her 3rd meet of the season a few weeks ago. It was a great one, and she did well. Topped her best ever scores on bars, vault and floor and all around! She also qualified to zones, which was a major goal of hers this season.
She tied 2 other girls for second place on floor. The other two girls were called first and so the podium was quite crowded by the time her name was called. This was her first time placing in the top 3 and you could tell she wanted on that podium so badly. She put one foot on and eventually the other girls made room for her. She smiles so beautifully, her pride evident in that moment where all of her hard work is rewarded. We're smiling too, Patrick and I and the other team parents. We've become a close knit group and each other's children's successes are like our own children's.

Patrick went out to the car ahead of us, while Em and I hung back for a few minutes. I was making lunch plans with the other parents and Em was posing for pictures. She left that day with five medals and a huge boost in pride and confidence. We walked out to the car feeling great, and there was Patrick. Holding a tissue to his face....bleeding.

me: What happened? Are you ok?!?

Patrick: Yeah, some guy ran up and punched me in the face, said "oh sorry, I thought you were someone else" and took off running down the street"

me: are you fucking with me? (he does that.....a lot) Did you just get a bloody nose and make up some story?

Patrick: No I'm serious, I'm not much of a bleeder (this is true)

So we all exclaim over him and wow, that's crazy and he gets a lot of attention.

His summary of the event..... "I wish I could say that's the first time that's happened to me"

At least she's up front about it

2010-10-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

Introducing herself to a little girl at the gym

"Hi, my name's Caliana, and I'm craaaaaaaaazy"

No doubt.

Feeling the love

2010-10-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

If mushiness makes you want to vomit, click away, click away now. This is a post about my wonderful husband and it's a total mushfest.

We've known each other since we were 11, over 18 years now and I'm so thankful to be his wife. Here are just a few of the reasons why....

-He does most of the laundry

-He does most of the dishes

-Ok look, he does most of the housework period

-He does all of the yardwork

-He takes care of our baby girl every day....and he does it well, he works with her in her workbooks, makes paper bag puppets, builds forts, buries treasure in the yard for her to find, takes her for walks and bike rides, puts on her bandaids and loves her more than words can say

-He also gets up with her when she wakes up at night and lets me sleep

-He has cute freckles

-He doesn't like TV so I never have to fight him for the remote

-But he'll still watch a movie with me when I ask

-He makes me laugh

-He's a good cook

-He understands all my music lyric and old movie line references

-He calls me nicknames like "love" "life" and "my queen" and he means it

-He loves me unconditionally, more than anyone else on earth

He'll be the death of me

2010-10-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoon.....

I was cleaning....purging Damien and Caliana's room, which was a huge undertaking. I cleared out 3 garbage bags full of toys. Cali was alternating helping me and playing with toys recently unearthed from the clutter. Emily was watching tv and folding laundry, and Damien went for a bike ride.
Typically this means he rides around the block and goes to the house of one of four friends' that live on our block. No cause for concern.

Dinnertime rolled around and he wasn't back yet, so I sent the girls to check his friends' houses, and I drove to the two playgrounds near our house. No luck, but it was still an hour until dark and knowing it was Damien, we weren't in panic mode yet. Just as we were sitting down to dinner, Damien walks in sobbing. He had gone to the apartment complex nearby to play at their playground and had a run-in with an older boy. 14 by Damien's telling. This boy apparantly yelled "come on man, one on one, one on one" and socked Damien up a bit. Damien tried to leave and the kid blocked him for awhile before letting him go.

Of course I was livid to hear this and Patrick was ready to go over there to confront said child and parents, but Damien said no. He was sad about it, but didn't want to go back. We had dinner. We also had a talk about how important it is for him to tell us where he's going, so we know where he is at all times. There was much nodding and agreeing.

Cue yesterday.....

We get home and Damien says "mom, can I go for a bike ride?"

me: "Where are you wanting to ride?"

D: "Just to the church playground"

"Ok, but just go there and back! NO where else!"

"Ok mom" *much nodding and reassuring*

45 minutes later......

Patrick: "Love, there's a cop car just pulled up with a bike in the trunk, want to go talk to him?"

Oh sure I'd love to take that one.

Officer: "Hi maa'm, were you aware that your son was riding his bike down the freeway?"

Of course! Don't all parents let their 8 year olds play on the freeway?

"Uh no! He had very specific instructions to ride to the church half a block up and nowhere else"

"He said he was trying to ride to your old house to play with his friend. Is that far?"

"Yeah, it's um, across town. Well thank you for bringing him home" *walks back inside with much parental guilt seeping out of my pores*

I guess when we tell Damien "go there and nowhere else" he takes it as a challenge to ride on the most dangerous road to the farthest place he can think of.

We've banned bike rides, forever.

Such babies

2010-10-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

This was me five years ago. I wasn't quite 25.

I liked my hair.

This was my husband. He wasn't quite 25 either.

His hair is pretty much the same.

We would conceive our youngest that month, but at that point we only had 2 children.

They looked like this

and this (the toothless one)

My grandma was still alive. She would have turned 93 today. Happy Birthday Grandma.

a 4 year old dressed by a 4 year old

2010-09-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

yes, that is a balance beam in my living room

Time to write

2010-09-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

It seems like I never have time to write, but in reality, I don't have enough quiet to gather two coherant thoughts together. So I avoid it. Right now Caliana is sitting half on the couch, half on the desk, pointing out to me everything on her six flags map....now she's pretending to shoot me, complete with sound effects. However, I've decided enough is enough and time to just face the blank page and blab on it, coherant or not.
The question is after so long....what to write about. My day, my week, the past month or the summer?
I didn't try to do much today. Patrick and I have been trying since December to have another baby. I'm currently pregnant for the third time since then. Maybe....well, yes, but there are complications and things may not end well, for the third time. More concrete answers hopefully coming on Monday. So I'm wishing the weekend away. At the same time, I'm using it, to rest, to do nothing, to give my brain a rest. It's working somewhat.
Caliana had gymnastics this morning and the whole family went, which is unusual. And then in the middle of class, she threw up, which is also unusual. The girl is never sick. She's fine now. I spent most of the day on the couch nursing the cramp in my neck, which is not fine. It hurts like a bitch and I hope it's gone tomorrow. I watched DVR'd shows and the Sound of Music with Emily.
Em made lunch and Patrick BBQ'd dinner, and I did like...nothing.
Such a thrilling entry I know, I think my brain died a little today, but at least you all know that I'm not dead.

Other randoms:

- Emily has nailed her roundoff, back-handspring, back-handspring, back-tuck

- Her first meet of the season is next Sunday!!!!

- School is going well for the kids, Damien has a huge crush on a girl in his class and Emily is trying to start a sixth grade newspaper

- I've had my blood drawn every 2 days for weeks and I look like a pincushion

- I love my husband. He does so much for me and our kids. And I have to go now, because he's harrassing me to go try and shower the cramp out of my neck.

Why 6th grade drop off was worse than Kindergarten

2010-08-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

The first day of Kindergarten. That's the one that's talked about. It's a transitional day for sure. Taking your little five year old to start at a new school, all day, 5 days a week, without you. Except for the part where you get orientation and get to meet the teacher and hang out in the classroom and immerse yourself in their kindergarten experience. And your little 5 year old is so innocent and sweet and it's just the beginning.....the beginning of years of elementary school.

(First day of Kindergarten, 2004)

That's what makes 6th grade harder. It's the end. The end of one classroom, one teacher, field trips and recess. No more walking my baby to her class and meeting her teacher. Next year is junior high and she's on her own.

Emily and Damien are at the same school this year, for the last time until she's a senior and he's a freshman......I know that will be worse than this 6th grade thing, but I'm choosing not to think about it.

(First day of 3rd and 6th grade, 2010)

I dropped them off this morning and we all went to Damien's class first. I met his teacher while he walked away to his friends without a backwards glance. This is typical so I wasn't too heartbroken.

Heartbreaker

We went to her class and met her teacher and then I don't know. I didn't want to leave. She ran into some of her friends outside the class and started chatting. And I stood just outside their circle, like an old, lame, helicopter mom, which I am so not. Really, I'm not. I wouldn't lie.
I said "ok hun, I guess I'll go now, unless you want me to stay...."
"No, you can go, if you have to go to work and stuff"
"Oh, I already told them I'd be late"
She shrugs and goes back to her friends.....which might I add, I am so so very glad that I'm not that age anymore, because I listened to them. One of Emily's friends was talking about how Emily had so and so in her class and the other class had this person and this person......when one of the other girls cuts her off and says "I wouldn't know. I don't spend my days memorizing class lists."
Ouch. Girls are vicious.
The bell rang and Emily gave me a quick hug goodbye. I asked her if she had her phone and she said "yep, don't worry, it's on vibrate"
I know she's got this, but I can't help but want her to cling to my leg like a 5 year old. It's hard to not be needed. At least she still needs me for a ride home.

Things that have changed since last Friday

2010-07-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

-Last Friday my dryer was working, this Friday it is not

-Last Friday I was pregnant, this Friday I'm not

-Last Friday my sister lived in Florida, this Friday she's in California

-Last Friday my daughter was 3, this Friday she is 4

There are also a lot of things that are the same. Last week I spoke of adventure, and change is adventure.....but right now it's the sameness that offers me grace.

On this day

2010-07-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

Every morning, my phone alerts me to some trivia, something that happened on this day in years past. Today it read that on this day in 2008, the Ramsey family was cleared in the death of 6 year old Jonbenet.

I have my own for today though. On this day in 2006, I had reached my due date, and this little monkey was scheduled to appear

Being one of my children however, she procrastinated and stubbornly held out an additional 6 days.
The memories of those last days of pregnancy with my youngest and contemplation of her age and life thus far are coinciding strangely with welcoming the idea of this new baby, and all that lies ahead...in pregnancy, and beyond.
It's true that life repeats itself, but it is also always bringing new experience. New life, new adventure. New joys along with the same old joys.

Life

Love

Old and new, different and the same

Joy

Adventure

A crew growing, expanding, the same old members, welcoming the rookies, and the show goes on

And the days to come will be ripe with adventure

Because we're a little bit insane

2010-06-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

Three

And four

for their own good....right?

2010-06-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

The kids have a dentist appointment on Monday morning. All of them. I haven't decided if I'm totally brilliant or totally crazy to take them all at once, but it's the way we do it. It's always a little hectic, but then it's over and we don't have to go back for 6 months. Unless there's a problem.
There was a problem last time. Caliana had a cavity. She'd been to the dentist twice. 2 checkups and cleanings, and she loved the dentist. She asked to go back all the time. And now she was getting her wish. But I knew with all of my hard earned grown up knowledge that this time would be different. That she would no longer ask to go to the dentist. This time would be bad. I just didn't realize how bad.

Getting her there and in the chair was no problem. She had done this, she liked it. Dentist, yay! They put the nitrous mask on her, which looked like an elephant mask, with it's long hose carrying drugs to my 3 yr old's system (don't think I didn't agonize over it). It looked uncomfortable, and it must have been because she kept trying to take it off, but she was also trying really hard to be good and do what they told her.

I could tell she was scared when they put the mouth clamp in, and started to protest, and that's when the dentist made the decision to just go for it and gave her that evil shot in the gums, and my baby screamed.

I was given a seat by her legs, where I tried to hold her hand and calm her and also try to hold her still so the dentists could hurry the hell up already.

They held her in somewhat of a headlock, screaming, crying, snot running... and in holding her down, they were jamming the mouth clamp into her lip, because blood started dribbling down with her drool.

This all happened in a matter of minutes and I was helpless, torn between trying to help the dentist finish and wanting to punch her in her goddamn face.

And then my baby gagged, and peed her pants, and I told them to let her up. She was done. We sat there, my baby and I, both of us traumatized and crying. It was the worst dental experience of my life, and it wasn't even mine.

We go again on Monday, six months later, and Cali is protesting. She hasn't forgotten. We try to convince her that it's just for a cleaning...."they're just going to brush your teeth" we say, and she yells "I don't want the SCISSORS" and stomps away. And really I can't blame her. I don't want to go back either.

Forgetting how to play

2010-06-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

While I was still at work yesterday, I got this text from Patrick:

"will you take them out of the house somewhere, it's such a beautiful day. I know they would love to go to Mario land, oh please, oh please!" (punctuation added by moi)

This can be loosely translated into "get them out of here, I need a nap, when does school start again?"

But, I didn't have anything I had to do after work anyways, so I consented. "Mario land" is a creek that was given it's name when I was about 8, because it reminded my sister and I of the landscape from our beloved video game (the original of course).

I wasn't totally keen on the idea of creek mud, water, bushes, etc... so I tried to convince them to go the park instead, but they (meaning Damien) weren't having it.

Damien's the one who really loves it there. It's isolated and wild and a little dangerous.....all of the things that Damien strives to be within the confines of society. He takes off down the path and picks his way through blackberry bushes and roots, jumping rocks.....and Cali tries to keep up with him, and I try to keep up with her, but we fail, and eventually it's just us 3 girls. Cali is taking her shoes off, Emily is just standing, trying not to touch anything gross, and playing with my phone, and I'm wondering "what now?"

I tell Emily how I used to play there when I was little, how we used to pretend we lived there and would pick out our rooms among the bushes and rock croppings and make pretend food, and go swimming. She smiles at me in a way that shows me she's made it to the place between kid and adult, where there's a certain longing to play those games, but there's also that laughter at "those funny things kids do" that we adults have perfected because we've forgotten how to play.

And yesterday she was on the adult side with me. We sat on the rocks and tree roots. I proclaimed that this one was my "throne" and she laughed, and sat beside me. And we watched the "kids".

Damien stripped down to his shorts, and Cali stripped down to nothing, and they adventured. A naked little sprite splashing through the creek, her big brother helping her across a log. I wished I had my camera, and I wished I was little, and I wished I could think of something to do besides sit and watch. And I wished Emily wasn't giving it up so soon. Don't sit and watch Em, go play.

As we were leaving, Emily hurried across a slimy, muddy rock and slipped. She went down on her butt and arms and screamed. I grabbed her hand and she came up muddy and squealing "owww, ewwww, owwww, ewwww" and I had to laugh.

No matter how careful you are, life is going to happen, so you might as well strip down and frolic.

Sweet Summer

2010-06-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

School's out. Thank god. Last Friday was Emily and Damien's last day, and they left straight after school to go camping with my mom.

Peace out 2nd grade

I had grand plans of all the things I would get done while they were gone for the weekend. I would catch up all of the laundry, I would clean and reorganize their bedrooms, I would scrub the walls and declutter closets.
I didn't do any of it. Instead, Patrick and Cali and I, we just enjoyed the weekend.
We took naps, we played outside, we watched movies, we went to church and six flags, we recovered.
It's always so strange when part of the family is missing. The house seems so empty and quiet. Cali asks for them every so often, and when Grandma finally brought them home on Monday night, tanned and smelling of campfire, she was ecstatic and thanked grandma profusely for her brother and sister.

Since the weekend, we've been in full on summer vaca mode. Emily attempted to stay up all night one night playing video games, Damien's been barreling back and forth to his friend's house on his bike, we've had 2 friends spend the night, and bedtime has been stretched and extended and ignored and is no longer recognizable.

But for me, summertime means freedom in a different way. Freedom from the morning marathon. Dragging kids from their beds with threats of water in the face from the spray bottle, throwing together lunches, brushing hair, helping find socks, ushering everyone out the door 10 minutes late.....

In summer, I always make it to work on time.

My heart

2010-05-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

See this sweet baby?

She turned 11 on Sunday. 11 years. That's how long I've been a mommy. And in all of those years, I've had millions of blessed moments with my children. But it was just recently that I had one of the best. One of the proudest and heart swelling moments I could possibly imagine.

It was a simple thing really. We were sitting on the floor in the living room. I was cutting out some fabric and had asked Emily's opinion on something trivial, the style of the leotard I was cutting out. She hesitated and then told me what she thought.

A few minutes later she spoke up again.

E: mom, can I tell you something?

me: Sure sweetie, what's up?

E: Sometimes I worry.

me: oh?

E: I worry.....that I'm not going to be like you

That's what my 11 year old, almost a teenager daughter worries about. That she is not enough like her mom.

And I'm nobody special. I'm not famous. I don't have a degree. I'm not even a stay at home mom, there to volunteer at school and attend every field trip.
I'm always late.
I don't keep a spiffed up, decorated house, in fact, she can't even paint her room, because we rent.
I give my kids too much junk food and let them watch too much tv.

But she wants to be like me, to think like me.

I can't even write this without getting emotional. What compliment of my life could top that?
What better reward for all of the hard work of parenting?

___________________________________________

At Emily's colonial day dance, I watched all of the kids. Only a third of them dressed up. There were a lot of downcast glances and insecure shuffles.

Afterwards I told Emily how proud I was of her. Not only how well she learned and performed her dance, but how she held her head high, she smiled at her partner and held his hands, and danced without reservation. If she felt anything less than confidence and joy, it didn't show, and I'm so proud that she can embrace life with a smile.

She thanked me and said
"Mom, you make me feel like such a good person"

I told her
"Emily, you're one of the best people I know"

And it couldn't be truer.

As flattered as I am that she wants to be like me...I'm so very proud of who she is.

May maelstrom

2010-05-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

We're busy this month.....like we're not busy any other month....*snort*. Busier than usual let's say. It's the fun kind of busy though, like Christmas, where you have to get your tree, and decorate, and shop, and wrap, and visit...and it's busy, but it's fun. Did I already say that?

It's the last month of school, so there's all the events there, like open houses and last minute field trips and "retro day" and "colonial day" which is depicted here:

Where my almost 11 year old, who is rather small for her age, wore a dress that I wore the month I turned 15.....*double snort*

And look what I did to her hair, curled it old fashioned like, with no new fangled electricity or nuthin (pictured with my mommy).

So, that was fun. On top of school events, it's baseball season, so we're at the fields four days a week. Add that to being at the gymnastics center 5 days a week, and these kids are getting a hell of a lot more exercise than their mother.

May also brings the Rose Parade, which we ventured to this past Saturday. It was lovely out, and pictures are below.

But the best part about May, if you ask Emily is that it is ta-da....her birthday month!
Somehow, she manipulated me into a triplicate birthday celebration.

It started with her foregoing a birthday party in lieu of getting to go to San Francisco to see Wicked, with one friend in tow. (this Saturday)

Then she pitched the whole, couldImaybepleasehavejustaslumberpartybecauseitdoesn'tcostanythingplease!

And I was all "well, why not?" so there's that (this Friday), which grew to camping in the backyard, with marshmallow roasting and pizza and cake.....

Except she realized she wouldn't get to celebrate with family and friends of the family and whatnot, so we're BBQ'ing on Sunday too, probably complete with another cake.

But it's fine, I'll need the cake. It helps with the denial that OHMYGODMYBABYISELEVEN!

I still have this little one to squeeze the life out of though

And of course, the boy (pictured here with his dad, they have the same smile)

Look, freckles! Sorry, can't help myself.

Hope you're having as much fun as we

Random pictures on my computer- take 4

2010-05-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

evolution of a water hater

2010-05-05T09:04:00.000-07:00

You may not see anything unusual about this picture, but trust me, it's spectacular.

Let me tell you why. My little monkey here, she's a water hater. Bigtime. Wait... that's not quite fair or accurate. She's really a COLD water hater. She's a cold hater period.
She takes after her dad in that respect. He hates to be cold too.

We're in May now....beautiful weather. 70's and 80's, sunny and warm. Everyone is breaking out their tank tops and shorts, flowy sundresses abound.

But not for these two

The man in my life is still wearing two pairs of pants, 3 shirts and sweater, and he's dressing his baby in long sleeves and pants. It may have something to do with their complete lack of body fat....

But some of it may be my fault, I suppose. Caliana was born in the middle of July, during a very hot summer. Being home on maternity leave was no picnic in the heat, with a sweltering 4 and 7 year old. Our saving grace was the pool. We spent many a day waterside, swimming (Emily and Damien), sipping ice cold coke (me) and sleeping (the baby).
But she seemed so hot and miserable, that often I would dunk her little baby washcloths in the chilly water and flop them unceremoniously on her newborn baby noggin. And there wasn't a thing she could do about it.

And for the next two summers, that girl would scream bloody murder if you tried to get her near a pool. And during the summer she turned two, when we took a vacation to a water park, miss monkey spent the entire time dry as a bone, which was just fine with her daddy, because a water park to him, is about the equivalent of spending the day getting his toenails ripped off.

So I tell you again.

Amazing.

When I brought out the slip n slide the other day, I assumed it would be used enthusiastically by the older kids and studiously avoided by the little.

I was wrong.

This one took one turn, dried off and went back to her beloved trampoline

This one also took one awkward turn, declared it too cold and ran off.

And the little...... she experimented, she splashed, and she enjoyed

Maybe it's time to revisit the waterpark

owwwwwww

2010-04-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

Some days I'd like to punch myself in the uterus. Because some days, that bitch hurts me, and I want to hurt her back. Kicking is usually better than punching because it's more covert, and I like a surprise attack, but it's pretty difficult to kick yourself in the uterus. Not as difficult as hair pulling though, which is my other fighting method of choice. So punching it is.
Today is a uterus punching kind of day.
If you're a man and you're reading this and thinking, "what the hell, this chick is off her hormones" then I say that you should just punch yourself in the nuts because you have no idea what ouchy uterus feels like.
If you can't take the shit, then stay out of the bathroom....or something to that effect.

That one is different....er special

2010-04-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

We live in a valley. It's beautiful here. We have vineyards and trees everywhere and our city is surrounded by hills. I forget to see it sometimes. I just see the traffic in front of me, the mess in my car, the jammed parking lots. Sometimes it takes a fresh eye.

We're riding in the car and we turn a corner and behind a building emerges the horizon. The sky, the hills, the trees, and my 3 year old gasps. "Look Emily!"

Emily looks around. "What? What is it?"

Cali gives a contented, awestruck sigh and says

"the whole world"

Indeed.

3 years old and so profound.

Profound, and also kinda gross....and um, flexible....

you know you're grown up when you circle 4-15 instead of 4-20

2010-04-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it, yesterday was tax day. No, don't bother rushing to the post office now, you're too late. Penalties and interest abound.
Unless you're like me and couldn't give a second thought to tax day....the first thought being "poor people, have to rush around and make sure they pay their taxes on time, tsk tsk, *giggle*"
Because see, I've been a parent as long as I've been an adult, and being poor and having dependents pretty much works out to the government feels sorry for you and gives you all of your money back and then a little extra, because "woah, how do you survive on that income"
Until now. For a few reasons. I'm not quite as poor as I used to be. In fact, I make 3 times what I made 10 years ago, teen mom, no degree, not bragging, just saying.....

Also, the state of California is so broke they're throwing all their stuff in storage and bunking with their mother in law.
So instead of giving me all my money back like usual, I actually had to pay a tad bit more in state taxes.
I know, right? The nerve.

I don't really mind, unless I think too hard about it. Like the fact that Emily and Damien's dad doesn't pay child support. He doesn't work. He collects food stamps from the state, so in a way, I could be paying to help support him.
That gets me a little worked up, so I prefer to think my taxes pay for things like my children's education.

Point: I joined the masses yesterday, all the poor souls that I snickered at in years past and mailed my payment...on time and everything. Awww, babygirl is all growed up...being a productive member of society and everything

Better

2010-04-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

I've made it over the hump. I couldn't have done it alone, so now I'd like to give a big shout out to.....

God

Champagne

Family

Cupcakes

Love

I am rejuvenated

And ready to take it all on

Maybe a margarita, maybe just the tequila

2010-04-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to country today. That's nothing new, I listen to country every Wednesday. It has themes of family, patriotism, and hard work that all help me get through hump day.
I feel like life has been one big hump day recently (and can I just say I hate that phrase....hump day.....it inspires visions that have nothing to do with the intended meaning), but anyways, I feel like I'm clamboring over that hump recently and if I could just get to the other side, then the proverbial weekend, the partying, the good times will be right around the corner.
I'm trying really hard to urge those feelings into fruition, doing all the things that typically bring me joy, trying to absorb the feeling and carry it through the monotony.
I'm getting outside when the sun is shining, taking impromtu days off of work, splurging on eating out and renting movies, going to theme parks, sticking with holiday traditions, reading to my kids before bed.....trying....reaching....begging for that weekend feeling...that summer feeling.
It's supposed to rain again next week and I'm mad about it. I'm done with the rain, done with the struggle, done with hump day....I want the liberation of Friday. I want happiness all the time, one big party, I want it to stop raining on my parade.
I want to stop being such a downer.
This post will probably help. Just throwing my big "type it all out" tantrum will help me bring Friday about faster.

But first the tantrum.....

-work stress. I'm trying to drop it at the door and not let it be personal, but it's there nonetheless

-this happened

....And then it un-happened, and I feel pretty ok with that, but I'm still probably affected nonetheless.....you know, hormones and all that

-money...I plan it all out, and it still comes out wrong

-I had to get a tooth pulled

-my phone was stolen, so I had to get that replaced

-my house is a mess and I have no time...energy...to get it clean, I can only do a little at a time and it's like trying to push back the tide

-it rained on Easter and I feel disconnected from all of my extended family

I guess that's it. *kicking, screaming, crying* and tantrum over.

Now pictures

Yeah, a little like that

2010-04-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes your sails are full, the sun is shining and the water is smooth and glassy, but sometimes it's all you can do to hang on to the boat and not get your ass tossed overboard.

photo gallery

2010-03-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

We call this one: "a gymnast's hand" courtesy of Emily

This one is entitled "rough night"

This one is known as "mommy bought me my own sunglasses five minutes later, so she could get hers back"

"Hair that makes it through a gymnastics meet, a good night's sleep and roller coasters has a lot of bobby pins"

"Did you see what that just did? People are screaming...I hope you don't expect me to ride that"

"Did you take this picture to show me my tag was out? p.s. your hand is in the shot"

"mom freaked out and grabbed this straw when I wouldn't stop blowing through it"

"Girl meets penguin"

"A dolphin, a whale, a cat and a martian" also known as "dolphins aren't supposed to be furry"

"these trains make me feel gigantic"

"I'd rather ride with a stuffed monkey than my sister"

"This whale makes me feel....not so gigantic"

"Theme parks + car rides = silence"

"untitled"

Decluttered

2010-03-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

I cleaned my office this week. It feels wonderful.

Organization does not come naturally to me. It was not hard wired in my DNA or in my training. Or if it was, other parts of me stifled it. Don't get me wrong, I have the ability to organize, I can make files, systems, put things in their place....but realizing that I need to assign a place, sometimes takes awhile.
I don't really notice the pile of mail and school papers stacking up on the entertainment center, or that there are shoes by the door, in my closet, on my dresser, in the bathroom.....I just don't realize.
My poor husband. That's all he does is organize. Yin and Yang.

But this week, I've been in a great mood, and I cleaned my office. Filed, sorted, purged. I don't know if the organization is the result or the cause of my lifted mood, but I'll take it. Either way, I'll take it.

With the clutter gone, I can focus better. I'm happier. More motivated.

All winter, and if I want to be honest, even before winter...I've felt cluttered. Tired. Overwhelmed. And I don't just mean by stacks of paper. My mind has been overwhelmed with all the details of life. It was messy and I felt ill equipped to do the job well.

Last night I lay on the couch. The show I was watching was over, and I could feel myself drifting to sleep. I thought to myself...don't fall asleep, get up, go to bed, get your alarm, it's a work night, have to do it right, can't sleep on the couch.

And then I realized I live my entire life on a schedule. The confines and boundaries of my time organization. Work is what I've been suffering through in order to live my life in the few hours between work and bed, and on the weekends. And that's not life. My life is all of it. My job included. It's not something to just get through. It's not a separate identity. Not work me and real me. It's something that I do during the day. It's still me, living my life during those 8 hours, my choice, my way, my life.

And that was incredibly freeing. Decluttering my office helped me to declutter my mind and what I found was liberation. Structure yes, regimentation no.
I slept on the couch.

O mother, thy teacher

2010-03-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

Emily is reading Alice in Wonderland. The new movie is coming out this weekend and she totally wants to see it (as do I). Her only notion of Alice in Wonderland to date is the Disney version, so she's reading the book in an effort to be fair to the author, before seeing another adaptation.
She was reading on the way to school this morning and mentioned she was getting close to finishing.

"Wow" I said, "you read that pretty quickly"

E: "Yeah, although some of it is a little hard to understand"

Me: "I know, but it was written back when people spoke a little differently. It's good for you to get used to wrapping your mind around a different way of speaking. In high school you'll have to read Shakespeare and that was written like 500 years ago, so some people find it very difficult to understand"

Damien pipes up: "we get to read a 500 year old book!"

Me: "well, the words were written 500 years ago, but the books are reprinted all the time"

D: oh

Me: (getting back to the point) Like in Romeo and Juliet she says "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" which pretty much just means "Where are you?"

Emily: (laughing) "I'm going to start saying that.....Wherefore thou..

Me: Wherefore ART thou...

Emily: Oh yeah....Where art....what is it again?

Me: Wherefore art thou.... another one is at the end Juliet says "Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath"....right before she stabs herself"

Damien: Weird

Emily: Romeo and Juliet is weird, she thinks he's dead, so she kills herself and then he sees that she's dead and kills himself

Me: Actually it's the other way around, he thinks she's dead, kills himself and so on.
Shakespeare wrote a lot of plays though, not just Romeo and Juliet. Another famous one is called Hamlet"

Damien: That sounds like a breakfast....like ham omelette

Haha, go to school my children, literary lesson is over for the morning. I can see how homeschooling would go in my house.

Reflection on a life created

2010-02-22T10:42:00.000-08:00

Stats: Born 2/22/2002, 6:12 PM, weighing in at a whopping 11lbs, 1oz, 22 1/4" long. There were a few heart wrenching minutes, in which his head was born, but the rest was firmly stuck inside.....much like the story of winnie the pooh, but the pushing and pulling was being done by 5 doctors and nurses instead of Christopher Robin and his lovable pals.
Eventually though, he arrived, with a broken collarbone and a smooshed up face, looking more like a 3 month old than a newborn, but no worse for wear. He was alert and happy, ready to eat and take on the world. And that's the same Damien that's been with us ever since.
His dark hair was quickly replaced by blond, his collarbone healed, his smooshed and swollen face subsided and the sweet face that emerged would serve him well in the days of mischief to follow.

weeks old

5 months

8 months

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

To be continued.....

Happy Birthday little big man. I love you.

Five years

2010-02-16T14:31:00.000-08:00

It was sunny, not too cold. We went alone. A twenty minute drive out in the country. We were quiet, contemplative. We held hands and just drove. It was a nice house on a hill, not too large, but with a giant fireplace and floor to ceiling windows. She was nice. Offered to take our picture. She used his middle name, and spelled my name wrong, but it was ok. It was still us. Holding hands, speaking those timeless words of devotion. We didn't need witnesses. We didn't need flowers. We didn't need a tux or a dress. We just needed each other. And five years later, that's all we still need. Happy Anniversary love.

guilty pleasure is my middle name

2010-02-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

My weekend included

-pizza

-a trampoline

-champagne

-nintendo

-donuts

-2 baby bunnies

-licorice and caramel filled chocolates

-a ride on a harley

-mexican food

-great time.....in the bedroom...not sleeping....if you know what I....nevermind

Not necessarily in that order

It's Aliiiiiiiiiiiive

2010-02-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

Remember my orchid? You don't? Well, then see here:

http://brandiwithani-b.blogspot.com/2009/02/he-does-this-on-purpose.html

This was a year ago. A year now that I've had this plant. ABout 6 months ago, all of it's pretty blossoms dropped off one by one and I cried. But then someone told me that they're supposed to do that. But I figured that was the end. It would no longer grace my office with it's beauty. It would forever be a green plant with two long stems sticking out of it.

But! That's not what happened. Last month it greeted me with a couple of little buds and I high fived it and did the Macarena.

Then this morning, a blossom! Isn't it pretty?

Aren't you proud? I kept a plant alive for an entire year, and it is pretty again! Maybe now I'm ready for a pet. And then someday.....children.

So literal

2010-02-11T09:11:00.000-08:00

Caliana: Mom, let's talk about treats.

Me: Ok

Caliana: I like chocolate with BROWNIES!!

Me: I like chocolate with everything

Caliana: You like chocolate with eggs?

Me: good point

Caliana: You like chocolate with licorice?

Me: never thought about it, but yeah, that's probably better

we won't be drowning after all

2010-02-08T10:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It has been raining here for like weeks now, and I know compared to all the snow....sleet....ice....that some of the country has been getting, some rain is no biggie, but weeks of rain with no sunny days in between is kind of a rarity around here. So yesterday..... let me demonstrate the difference for you with pictures of our backyard.

Before.....yucky and sopping

and then yesterday....pretty

And now I'm realizing these are the first pics I'm sharing of our new place. So allow me to share a few more....

Kitchen....small kitchen....

...but it has a skylight...

Dining room

Family room

view from family room to dining room and living room beyond

And that's all you get, because the bedrooms were not picture worthy, but maybe someday......

But back to yesterday. I had planned to dust and clean bathrooms and such, but when the weather turned gorgeous, I had to get outside instead. So I took the kids to the park, washed my car, played catch with them in the backyard....which was all lovely, except for when I beamed Damien in the forehead with a baseball.

More pictures!

This would be me................helping Caliana...............take a picture..............of me

Mud...yuck

Action shots! ...excuse me, but LOOK at that sky!

"Dude...why do I always have to ride on the back of the dragon?"

See ya later

I'm here and it's a good day

2010-02-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

It seems all I have to write about anymore is a list of reasons why I have no time to write, and today is not really an exception. I still don't have much time. Time to tell you about Cali's tragic dentist trip or my car battery blowing up. But if you remind me, I may tell you about it sometime.

But I will give you a little list of reasons why today is a good day:

1. My car is finally fixed, which means that when it rains, I will no longer leave a trail of rainbow puddles from my oil leak, I will not have to fill it with water every other day, and because my stepdad is awesome, I paid $0 for labor (even though my battery blew up and almost killed him (ok, exaggerating)) Sorry though, still.

2. I am not tired, because I broke with my new mostly decaf coffee habit, and had a full on regular this morning

3. I was not late for work

4. I organized and did laundry and cleaned my bathroom yesterday, so life is ummmm....cleaner and more organized, and I like that.

5. It's payday

6. I actually remembered to return the movie I rented yesterday from Redbox, which means that said rental actually cost me $1.09, instead of $13.08, like usual, because I forget to return it for a week and a half and those bastards have my credit card.

There might be more, but it's only 10:12 AM.

Cali-isms

2010-01-19T08:50:00.000-08:00

scene: our house, friends over, Cali is playing with friend Matt (whom she calls Map)

She gets right up in his face, grabs his cheeks and says "mama"

Map: Hahaha, no, mommy's over there

Cali: *insisting* MAMA!

Map: *laughing* hahaha, she's over there silly

Cali: MAMA!

Map: *laughing, laughing, laughing*

Cali: DADDY!

Map: *not laughing* uh no, let's go find your dad

_________________________________________________

scene: at the park, chatting with a lady and her dog

Cali: *petting* your dog is soft

lady: thank you, yes he is

Cali: *looking at his stumpy tail* A cat just bite off his tail

lady: um, ok

Cali: Your dog is UGLY!

mommy: *laughing my ass off* (what? sometimes it needs to be spelled out)

lady: aww, I think he's cute

Cali: It's ok, my hair was ugly yesterday

rain on my parade

2010-01-12T09:45:00.000-08:00

I have never had a backyard. I've always lived in apartments, townhouses, trailers, etc.... so now that we have one....even a rented one, I just can't contain my excitement.

I have a whole list of things I want to do in my new backyard:

1. backyard BBQ's, with friends and food and margaritas and lounging

2. speaking of lounging, laying out in the sun, reading a book will surely take up some of my days this year

3. a TRAMPOLINE!

4. picnics

5. gardening

6. campouts!

7. running through sprinklers....I'm not sure we have sprinklers, but we have grass, so the chances are good

8. hanging a swing from the tree, maybe even a TIRE SWING!

9. letting my kids go outside and play

10. slip n slide and kiddie pool

I can hardly wait. But alas, it is January, and it is raining, so waiting is exactly what I have to do.

“In that world, you'll be able to rise in the morning with the spirit you had known in your childhood: that spirit of eagerness, adventure and certainty which comes from dealing with a rational universe”
~Ayn Rand

If I don't blog it, did it really happen?

2010-01-05T11:48:00.001-08:00

It's all over. You missed it. The Nutcracker, Christmas, New Years, MOVING, and you didn't get to read a word about it, because I've been too occupied with celebrating, and packing and unpacking, and working, because my god, end of year and everything, and in accounting that means, well, it means I'm not finished, but I need a mental break, so lucky for you.
Not to mention, my home computer has been disconnected because of, you know, moving, and then when the cable guy finally came out and hooked it up, it's just being completely retarded and won't let me online.
On top of all of that, I've been devoting all my spare time to the Wii. Last year it was Guitar Hero. This year it's Super Mario Bros. for Wii, which let's face it was created with my generation in mind. The sound effects alone sing to my very soul. I'm on level 8.

I have a few pictures to share with you, but only a few, because my husband discovered that he could use my memory card to put all the pictures on the TV and mess with them, but then he lost it.....or.....misplaced it.....or.....he's finding it for me.
So, not many pictures from Christmas (we were too busy to take any), no New Years pictures, and no new house pictures.....although that last one is because I still need to finish putting the house together before I take any pictures.

Enough of that though.....*DISTRACTION!*

Nutcracker pictures

It's become tradition to stop at Grandma's house on the way, borrow her fancy coat, and have our picture taken in front of her tree.

Bubble wrap she swiped from my work

Emily took some pictures on our drive

We crossed the Golden Gate just as the sun was setting. So not even close to the same via photograph

City Hall was all lit up for Christmas

Dinner at Chevy's....look at those fajitas, she ate maybe a third.

The opera house

Inside....

....and out

And a few early morning Christmas pics

Reasons I've been too busy to blog

2009-12-22T13:18:00.000-08:00

1. Christmas shows. One for each kid, although we got the time wrong on Emily's and she missed it.

2. regular activities, gymnastics, cub scouts, basketball.....which had it's first practice the same night as Caliana's Christmas show, which she refused to participate in

3. all 3 kids had dentist appointments and I had a dr's appointment

4. Christmas shopping

5. Present wrapping

6. Work

7. packing because we're moving

8. house hunting because we're moving

9. submitting applications for places because we're moving

10. going out to celebrate because we found a house and we're moving this weekend.

Which bring the following pictures.

I think 2010 is going to be a good year.

10 days, aka, I suck

2009-12-18T10:44:00.000-08:00

It's not that I have nothing to write about. It's not that I don't want to share. It's not that I don't want to sit and unload all over this blank screen.

It's just that when it comes to me time, well, it's getting shoved pretty low on the priority list for December. And this blog is for me. It's not for my work, it's not for my kids, it's not for the handful of people who actually read what I have to say, it's for me. To document, to pontificate (does that sound like a dirty word to anyone else), to blab on and on about whatever the h.e. double hockey sticks I want.

But, you're going to have to wait a little longer, I have to get back to work.

tis the season

2009-12-08T09:15:00.000-08:00

It is so very very cold today. Like butt cringing cold. Like my fingers are little typing popsicles because I can't type with gloves on....and who am I kidding, I can only find one glove anyways. Because I'm organized like that.

We got our Christmas tree on Sunday. We always go to a tree farm and cut it down ourselves. And by ourselves, I mean the kids run around, and I stand there holding my purse and asking my husband if he needs any help while he cuts it down.

After getting a little help from Cali, and some grumbling about next time he's bringing a chainsaw, he decided halfway through that he was just going to snap it off the rest of the way. That worked about as well as you might think, which means the trunk split in half a good 4-5 inches and he had to saw it the rest of the way anyways.

I was pretty perturbed for a minute because that meant we would have to chop the bottom off of our pretty little tree, but upon further contemplation I realized that we pay by the foot and so a little bit shorter means a little bit cheaper.

When Damien was 2, almost 3, he completely destroyed our Christmas tree. I came down from taking a shower and found my living room littered with glass. He had removed every ornament and thrown them against the wall. He looked at me and my "wtf happened in here" face and said "mom, I play ball!"

Caliana is now 3. She was very excited about helping decorate the tree this year. Other than the lights and the star, the kids did it all themselves.

I was very excited that she was not as destructive minded as her brother.

Although this morning when I got up, I found a nice row of ornaments on the ground. Along with a nice pile of the tops of the ornaments, all ripped off. I guess she's just more methodical with her destruction.

Thankful for Bing Crosby

2009-12-02T13:50:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to Christmas music. It's playing nonstop on a local radio station, and I pulled out my way expensive nutcracker cd's. I think I'm torturing everyone at my work with Feliz Navidad blasting out of my office, but I can't help it. I have to find some cheer where I can get it. Work stress has been trying to creep in and I'm battling it back with Deck the Halls and The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. It's working too.

We had a nice, but uneventful Thanksgiving. My mom went to her house in Oregon and my littlest brother spent the holiday with his dad, so we spent the holiday at home. We had 2 guests. My brother and my ex.

I made my first turkey. It was good.

But see those whiskey glazed carrots. Those were VERY good.

In fact the entire spread was small, but delicious. I don't know how to make gravy and I don't care for stuffing, so we didn't have those, but still....yummy.

And we had plenty of pie. And cookies. And cupcakes.....

Oooh, cupcakes

Hmmmm, there's already one missing, they probably won't notice just one more.

What? It wasn't me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

He's thankful for this stitch stuffed animal, and She's thankful we could find a place to squeeze her in on the corner of this crowded table.

He's NOT thankful for having to empty the dishwasher

She's thankful for naps

And I'm thankful for this picture. I think he was going in for a kiss, but the look on her face says "tell me a secret"
Her shirt says it all.

One of the boys...in a purple leotard

2009-11-25T11:01:00.000-08:00

"Hey mom, can I be a scum scout?"

Twenty something

2009-11-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday. I'm twenty-nine. I know a lot of people say that, but this time it's true. You know how I know? Because yesterday I was 28.
And next year I'll be 30. Guess it's time to grow up, get married and have kids. Ha ha! Actually, I'll have a teenager at 31, so yes, major life changes are in fact on their way. Ok, let's not talk about that anymore. I'm getting scared.

In all honesty, I don't mind getting older. I look forward to the future. It's a mystery. Completely unknown. Life can change from day to day and that makes it an adventure. I love adventure.

Besides I plan to live to at least 100, so that makes me still a baby.

Midnight Moon Madness

2009-11-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying I've been sick. I actually took the day off of work on Wednesday which is a major rarity. The kids have also been sick, so my day of rest consisted of laying on the couch with Damien smooshed up next to me and Caliana laying directly on top of me, while they watched Tom and Jerry and Bakugan Battle Brawlers.

I went back to work yesterday even though I was only about 70%. And then last night, Emily and I went with my friend Selena and her stepson to the midnight showing of New Moon. We've had tickets for awhile now and I figured no biggie, I'll sit on my butt in a theater for a little while. That's not strenuous. We knew the shows were sold out so we planned to show up at 10:00 to try and get some decent seats.

We got there at 10 and the line was wrapped around the building and the lobby was already pretty full.

I expected to see more people like me, Mom's with their tweens, but I guess I'm the only irresponsible mom letting her daughter stay out till 3 am on a school night, because the crowd was 93% college girls, and 5% gay men.

We got inside the lobby fairly quickly and it was set up with plastic "ropes" separating the lines weaving back and forth across the lobby.

There were a lot of people, but we knew they were showing it in 9 theaters, so we weren't too worried. After an hour and forty minutes of waiting in line we were 2 partitions from the front and all hell broke loose. Those at the back of the lobby broke down the barriers and rushed the front of the line, which in turn caused everyone who was everywhere else in line to do the same because "oh hell no I did not wait all this time for all of you to just rush in front of me."

The 20 year old kid working the front of the line grabbed his bull horn and screamed "GET BACK, EVERYBODY GET BACK, YOU WILL NOT SEE THIS MOVIE, DO NOT CROSS THE LINES" But the lines were gone, everyone stopped but no one backed up. Emily looked up at me and said "mom, I'm scared"
The lady crammed up behind us said "it's ok, I'm scared too"
They tried to order everyone back into the lines, but no was budging. Humpty Dumpty could not be put together again. Luckily for us we were on the side of the lobby where the front of the line had been and were very near the front, the tide of bloodthirsty girls at our backs. We were allowed past and the race was on. There were 3 theaters open at the moment and it was like the running of the bulls, although we maintained some semblance of dignity and just did a fast walk. We went to the farthest theater and it was fairly full. We spotted four seats together in the second row and grabbed them. Not five minutes later, there were no seats.

Emily and I took a run to the bathroom and getting back was insane. The tide was rushing against us, a hallway packed with bodies...

"there's no seats left!"
"how, that's not fair!"
"Did you check theater 5?"
"Maybe we could sit on the stairs?"

Panicked faces, people rushing rushing everywhere and getting nowhere. I felt like I was on the Titanic and everyone was looking for an empty lifeboat. We tried to get back to our seats as quickly as possible. Selena was saving them for us, but she's pregnant so I didn't want her to have to beat anyone down.

We eventually made it back, abandoned the idea of getting popcorn and settled in for the show. Call me lame, call me easily entertained, call me a woman, I enjoyed it, and so did Em.

Getting out of the parking lot was another matter altogether. I did not enjoy that. Apparently no one has taught the teenage girls in our society about TAKING TURNS. Emily didn't mind though, she was out in no time.

Where the wild things are

2009-11-16T10:25:00.000-08:00

This is a creek not far from my house.

We discovered it when I was 7 or 8 years old. We named it Mario Land because the large white rocks and running water reminded us of our beloved video game. And it was 1988.

My sister and I, and some of our apartment friends...only the ones deemed worthy of knowing about our magical place...would go there often. We would catch frogs and pretend we were children stranded, and once we even floated down the creek in a dog bathtub.

I remember multiple times, walking home, soaking wet and miserable. Like a soldier returning from war, half starved from being gone all day, 2 miles could have been 2000. We would talk of home and warm, dry clothes, hot food, our mothers, and we would trudge on. It was some of the best times of my childhood.

I took my younger two children there recently. There have been houses built up right next to it, so it's easily accesible by car. Which is a slap in the face to my childhood journeys, but as a parent, I also find it rather convenient.

My kids were enthralled. They found the magic immediately as only children can.

I couldn't even keep up with Damien. He was everywhere. I tried though. Because I'm a parent now. And my eyes have been opened, and I worry about who might be lurking down in the creek, I worry about drowning, I worry about poison oak, I worry. And the child in me beats the worry back with a stick, holding it hostage so my son can have a small modicum of the adventure that I did.

And Caliana. She wasn't sure what to think of this place at first. Especially after she stepped shin deep in the cold creek water.

But it didn't take long, for her ripe child imagination to take hold, and she was unstoppable. She wanted to see it all, do it all, go everywhere. She wielded a large stick as her weapon against unseen forces, and skipped her way from rock to rock, me feeling large and lame and horribly grown up following close behind.

"Take my hand mommy. Do you trust me? We have to go this way. We never leave this place again!"

And her eyes were bright with excitement and I smiled and for a moment could recapture a small bit of the adventure.

I didn't have their innocence anymore, but I could appreciate it. They didn't see the discarded beer cans or notice the small group of teenagers pass by or the smell of pot wafting through the air.

They were lost in their own world. They only saw the magic.

Shear with me

2009-11-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

Cali: Mom, I want you cut my hair

me: Ok, let's go take a bath and wash it, and then I'll cut it for you.

And that's what we did, and that's how it went, and I trimmed an inch or two off just like I planned. Except no, I'm lying, that's not what happened.

I did wash her hair and bring her down to the kitchen, stood her up on the chair and got out the scissors. Then I ran to grab the comb from the bathroom.

When I started to comb her hair out, a large chunk fell at my feet. My first thought was "what the hell, her hair is falling out!" then I combed again, and another piece came off in my hand. And then I realized, oh god what did she do!? What did I do!? I left the scissors for 10 seconds while I got the comb is what I did. By the time I got back they were back on the counter where I had left them, but the damage was done. (Thank you preschool for teaching my 3 year old how to use scissors) One snip at the top close to the scalp I could hide, but the ones in the back, the ones that were oh so short, *sob* and her little trim turned into a major haircut.

Here's a before of her long ponytails

And after. It's a little "Suri Cruise-ish" but it's growing on me. She's gotten a ton of compliments and she really likes that it's not getting in her food or stuck in her shirts, and it doesn't take long to brush out.

disclaimer* this actually happened a few weeks ago, but I couldn't bring myself to write about it until now

p.s. A huge thank you to all veterans, past and present

probably won't need to know until 9th grade anyways

2009-11-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

I was lying on the couch last night, vegging out and watching COPS, when my babygirl brought me her shapes and colors flashcards and asked to do them with me. I squished over and she crawled up next to me.
She knows all of her colors and most of her shapes, but a few of them were a little tricky. She called the crescent a moon, and I explained to her how the one that looks like a house is called a pentagon, and the one shaped like a stop sign is an OCTagon, like OCTopus.
It was getting late and she was getting tired and giggly. She started naming the colors wrong on purpose and cracking up. She was laughing, I was laughing. Who knew flashcards could be so fun.

Then we came back to the pentagon.

"Do you remember what this one is?"

"A house?"

"Yes, it looks like a house, but do you remember what it's called?"

"Hmmmm, a Bock-oo-gon?"

I just realized this is only funny if you have small children and actually know what a bakugan is. But Damien totally cracked up when I told him about it this morning.

Quiz time!

2009-11-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

Let's take a quiz, shall we? It's Tuesday morning, why the hell not? You don't want to? Come on, I'll even make it multiple choice. Hmmm? You still don't want to take it? What if I only make it one question? What's that? I've already asked you questions. Well, why don't you get all technical. That's it, no more semantics, just let me do my damn quiz already.

Here's your question:

Which of the following happened today to make my morning less than glittery sunny rosy peachy mother fucking rainbow fluffy?

A. I got in a fight with my husband
B. My daughter took a BITE out of her preschool payment, which was not a check, it was a money order, like cash, but now a worthless piece of paper
C. my car overheated, so I had to stop and let it cool down before adding water, that it's just going to leak back out all over the damn place
D. I was late for work, causing everyone to look at me like I slaughtered their fucking cat.

What's that? All of the above? You think my morning was that rough, huh? Relationship problems, money problems, car problems AND work problems?

Well, you would be fucking correct.

Bring on Christmas

2009-11-01T10:59:00.000-08:00

Since Halloween was on a Saturday this year, it actually lasted two days for us.

Friday was Halloween day 1.

The plan was to drop Emily at school a little early, then me, Patrick, and Cali would take Damien to his school and stay for his Halloween parade. Then I would take Patrick and Cali to Cali's preschool for her party and I would go to work. Everyone would have fun, everything would go great.

The actuality was like this:

We all got up and got ready, and by all I mean everyone except Caliana, because she doesn't do that. Emily's costume required that I straighten her hair, and do her makeup.
After I did that, I got myself ready in my plain old boring mom clothes and then woke up the Cali monster. She protested loudly that she wanted to stay home, not go to school.
"But you're not going to schooool, you're going to a party AT your school, with daddy!"

She didn't care, she wasn't happy about it.

Instead of early, we left late, dropped Damien and Patrick at Damien's school, then took Em to her school. Then back to Damien's school to "Watch the parade" which really means we stood around staring at a couple hundred kids just standing around. Since Damien's costume wasn't original in the least we couldn't even figure out which one he was most of the time.

After that we headed to Caliana's school where she refused to get out of the car and refused to get her costume on, and then complained all the way inside. Everyone was very happy to see her and some little girls were calling her over to sit by them, but she wasn't budging. She didn't want to party and that was that. We went home, and I went to work.

Kids don't always agree with our plans.

That night I picked Emily up from her friend's Halloween party. She regaled me with tales all the way home of how she won the costume contest and her and her friend won the dance contest. I looked at her in her costume with her dyed hair and eyeliner and had a mini panic attack. I had the sudden urge to rush home and dress her in a ruffled onesie and a bonnet.

Instead she let me take some pictures.

She was feeling pretty full of herself and I had to yell at her to smile already and stop being so old and teenager-ey

Her dad came over for awhile and she tortured him too.
In this picture she's looking at herself in the mirror.

*sigh* It's just going to get worse, isn't it? Wait, don't tell me, I don't really want to know.

Saturday was Halloween day 2, also known as, Halloween.
We started the day with a gymnastics meet. Patrick and I took Emily while the other two stayed home with Dan. It was the last meet of the season and I can safely say it wasn't her best. She did ok, but didn't top any of her scores. She was still tired from staying up late and had pulled a muscle doing the splits again and again at the dance contest.

That evening we got everyone dressed up and went to a Halloween party, carnival-ish thing.
They had jumpies, games, and a cake walk, which Cali thought was the funnest game ever. Although occasionally, the numbers on the ground would slide out of place and she would have to stop and fix them, and the entire procession would be stalled behind her. It was great fun.

After that we went trick or treating.

Highlights:

*Cali kept asking everyone if she could come inside their house

*There was a cat that was following Cali for a little while. She yelled at it to "stop following me cat!" and Damien yelled "she's not a real mouse!"

*When we got home and the kids were counting their loot, Damien found an entire Reeses peanut butter cup candy bar in his bag, got really excited and then said "here mom, you can have it"

And now, pictures

Jerry the mouse

Watch out for Tom!!

Gotcha!

This is Damien. Really it is, I swear. I wouldn't lie.

This stupid store bought costume sprung a leak by the end of the night.

Emily with makeup, again.

The three punkers.

Baby Joey

2009-10-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

I have a new nephew!! My sister gave birth to a precious baby boy.

Obligitory stats:

Joseph David McBroom
born Oct 26th, 5:47 pm
7lbs, 3 oz
20.5 inches

And I could kiss the hospital because they took pictures and put them online! Otherwise who knows how long it would have been before I would have gotten to see him.

With big sissy Salem

With Dad

Oh gosh, those wrinkly little feet are doing cruel things to my uterus.

Not serious enough for a 12 step program

2009-10-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

I started drinking coffee when I was 23. I was working full time, going to school 3 hours a night, 4 nights a week, and had 2 kids. The only way I was going to get any homework done was with some kind of stimulant. Coffee seemed safer than Meth.
And every day since, I've had my morning coffee, and becoming ever more frequent is the evening coffee.
I didn't give it up during my pregnancy with Caliana. It's ok though, I asked my dr. Her response?

"one cup a day?, yeah that's fine"

um, did I mention that it's a 20 oz cup?

I'm at the point now, where it doesn't stimulate me anymore, I pretty much need it to function period. And of course to stave off the morning caffeine headache.

I think it may also have something to do with my evening crankiness. At least I hope it does. I hope that's not just me. So I thought, in an effort to just be healthier, that I should try and wean myself off of this dependance. Today I had half decaf and half regular. It is now 1:30 and I am nodding off at my desk. Literally. I'm not even exaggerating. My whole body is kind of numb and my lids are drooping. This is going to be harder than I thought.

male types beware

2009-10-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

I have my annual today. That's what we women call it, the "annual", because it's a tad more classy than "the dr appt where they root around in my hoo-ha", plus we're supposed to go once a year.
Although for me it's been 2 and a half years, so now what should I call it? Annual isn't quite accurate. Dr appointment. Dr appointment works.
You prepare like you would for a date, have to shave, get nice and clean, pretty panties and maybe a spritz of perfume? No that might have unforseen burning consequences later.
And then I berate myself for making my appointment in the afternoon. How am I supposed to stay nice and fresh all damn day? Perhaps I could just not go to the bathroom all day. But no. Damn you coffee and your laxative properties. So then it's the neurotic wipe and check, because nobody wants to gross out the doctor. I prefer to just gross out my blog readers thank you very much.

So then I comfort myself by spending all day looking around at all the other women in the world. THAT woman has to go for her annual sometime, and also THAT woman. What am I so worried about? And what in the world possesses someone to go into that line of work anyways? Yuck.

Vintage me

2009-10-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

This was my family when I was 6. Mom, Dad, sister, brother. Reminds me of the song by Pink....

"In our family portrait we look pretty happy, we look pretty normal......"

This was taken just months before our family split up. It couldn't be avoided. I'm glad there is photographic evidence of what was.

I'm filled with mixed emotions looking at it.

Both the siblings pictured here have taken rough paths. Their adult lives have been riddled with drugs and homelessness, crime and arrests. They've been lost, and I can only hope they have photos in the future where they look as happy as they do here.

Then there's me, standing next to my dad. My dad who I've seen one time in the past 18 years. There's a lot that I could say, but not much that I feel I should say. People are complex, ergo lives are complex and relationships even more so.

But I also think....
-my sister's dress looks like it's made from a towel
-look how light my mom's hair is!
-speaking of hair, I'm glad I escaped the feathering
-And me, I love how frilly and feminine my dress is, and I am wearing my hair exactly like that today! I'd show you, but Cali stuffed my camera cord into a bottle of water
-And my mom, I am almost the same age she is here. I know this was a trying time in her life, but her smile is so bright. Beautiful.

Random pictures on my computer- take 3

2009-10-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

Got the mushroom, fireballs, and found the warp zone

2009-10-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

And today I'm better. It's one of those days where yes, I have a lot to do, but I'm handling it. Handling it well. Like when you're playing a really hard level on a video game and you're just flying through it, jumping at exactly the right time, not missing a single coin, rebounding off walls to nail the bad guys, and you feel like "freak yeah, I totally rock at this!"
That's me today. So I couldn't leave that mopey post at the top of my blog. I feel confident and capable, and also a little hungry, but I'll take care of that one soon enough.

Oh and look, I made it a point to get some pictures of the boy.

Such a goofball

And ok, the girls too.

Go time

2009-10-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sad. I'm also moody and stressed and my husband is mad at me. Probably because I'm moody and stressed and then I'm not so nice. Sad.

I think I need a vacation. I took a lot of them last year, Salt Lake City, Vegas, a camping/amusement park vaca with the family, and up to Oregon. This year though, I haven't gone anywhere since Disneyland, and that was like 7 months ago. 7 months is a long time of all obligation, zero vacation, dontcha think?

I'm going to try and think of something. Somewhere.
But in the meantime, it is breaktime, so I'm going to take a mini-vaca over to Target for chapstick and granola bars. And maybe something for my husband so he won't hate me forever.

Wow, what a slacker

2009-10-02T13:49:00.000-07:00

I just realized I've only posted once in the last week. So sorry, it's just, I'm busy, you know? Except this is supposed to be my outlet from my busy-ness, but whatever, no time for outlets.

So here's a new post for you. I can't guarantee that it'll be coherant or interesting or anything, but there will be pictures, so it's a wash.

Emily had another competition last Saturday. Emily's friend and my ex went with me. This is what I looked like after 3 or so hours.

I don't even care anymore.

Emily's team took 2nd though, so yay!

She has another competition tomorrow. Patrick is doing some side work, so I get to bring both Damien and Cali with me! I wish I had a picture of me showing how excited I am.

Here's one of Emily instead

Damien

A. got suspended from the bus for 3 days, for his 3rd bus rule violation. Sigh.
but
B. He's tutoring a boy in the first grade
because
C. "His mathematical skills are so outstanding it won't hurt him to miss a little math time"
D. Is liking cub scouts
E. Is probably going to drive me crazy at Emily's competition tomorrow

I don't really have any pictures of him from the past few weeks, because, I don't know, because he's always busy.

I have this.... not so great one.

Or this one from like a month ago *shrugs*

Then there's Caliana, who's really anal about not leaving things at preschool. Caliana, who wakes her dad up in the middle of the night by kicking him in the face and then says "it's ok, it's me Caliana"
Caliana who is enjoying gymnastics

Practicing for future wins

A quick video

And Caliana who had to go back to the dr's for more shots. She talked about it all day. She kept saying "I got hurt. It sucks."

I have a lot of pictures of her.

And this post was all about them, and no real update on me, but here's another picture of me to help redeem from that first one.....because.....*shudder*

At least they have caramel

2009-09-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

Want to buy some popcorn? That's what boy scouts sell you know? You didn't know that? Me neither. It's not as widely discussed as the girl scout cookies. I guess the reason would be popcorn...cookies. There's really no comparison.

But popcorn is what we get, because my son is now a cub scout. A wolf scout to be exact. And my husband is now a scout leader. And I'm like "Yay an activity for the boys!" except I forgot I'm still the money manager and so I have to get Damien his handbook and his uniform and etc....

Problem is I'm a bit of a procrastinator. I waited until today, the day of his pack meeting, which in case you didn't know is kind of a big deal. Totally different thing than the "den" meeting.

So I think "no problem" I'll just go at lunch, so I did. Except they're out of his size shirt, or at least the size that will fit for awhile, and they were out of the number 7 patches....er badges.....no I think patches is correct. And he totally needs the number 7. And they were out of his size belt, but the lady informed me that he doesn't need that until he starts earning belt....badges? Something. I just took her word for it. So now I have most of his uniform, but no time to sew on his..........patches? between work, the girls' gymnastics and his meeting.

What's the boy scout motto? Always be prepared? Screwing that up already. Sorry son. But wait....he's not a "boy scout" yet, he's only a "cub scout" and I think their motto is "Always do your best" so I might slide by on a technicality there.

**To top it off, I had chinese food for lunch and my fortune said "You are the key to your own success" Yes, thank you, rub it in.

This thing we made

2009-09-25T10:49:00.000-07:00

These are my loves. Aren't I blessed? There's no school today, so they're all at home. Without me. I have to work. No fair. You guys suck. But if you do all the laundry, I'll forgive you.
Plus I can't be too mad, because it's Friday. And you know what that means. Pizza and movie night. Pizza and movie night speaks to my very soul. There's nothing like kicking back on the couch with a giant piece of greasy, cheesy pizza, knowing that the work week is over, watching some family friendly flick....preferably a throwback from when you were young and now get to force your kids to watch it and invariably they like it. Because mostly, they like what you like.

And they smile at you, and snuggle up on your lap and try to wipe their pizza fingers in your hair, and all is content.

Face it singles, it's the Friday night of your future. Might not sound as exciting as clubbing and drinking and one night stands, but it's where we end up for a reason. And don't get me wrong, I like to go out. I like to drink and dance. But this thing, this having a family thing. Having them all together in one room, smiling, cuddling, safe and happy....and the pizza, well that's bliss.

Learning to lead

2009-09-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

In case you never could have guessed it, life with 3 children is chaotic. Especially.....yes I'll admit it, especially when the 2 parents running that household are both in their 20's, still a little teenager-ey lazy, not quite organized or disciplined or OCD enough to run a well oiled machine.

But we're learning everyday. We're growing. We're figuring it out. Yesterday was a breakthrough of sorts. The credit goes to the husband on this one. It was his idea for a family meeting. A weekly family meeting. We had it last night at Applebees with dessert. Except me, I had a perfect mixture of coffee and alcohol, because that is dessert my friends.

We didn't have a set agenda for our first meeting, but we found it quickly. Laundry. Ohhhhh the laundry. It's relentless. Up until a couple of years ago, we didn't have our own washer and dryer. I would do laundry twice a month. 12 or 13 loads each time. It would take all day. Alllllllll day. And about thirty dollars in quarters. But it was a system.
Now, we have our own washer and dryer and it's a mixed blessing. We can do laundry whenever we want, but we don't usually want. And if we get lazy and leave the clothes in the dryer, no other tenant is going to take it out and throw it on the table in the laundry room. No one's going to come knocking on our door to demand that we please free up the washers.
The result is that we have piles of laundry. Everywhere. The laundry room has a good stack, so does my room. And there is a pile accumulating on the landing of the stairs. Along with a couple baskets of clean, yet to be put away clothes.

But, thanks to our meeting, we have a plan! We are so productive! Meetings, hooray!

Are you ready for the solution? It's genius I tell you!

Everyone...will do.....their.......own......laundry!!!! Isn't that amazing? We'll each have our own baskets in our own rooms.......ohmygod this so exciting.........and their own laundry day. Andonthatday, they take their own basket, and washdryfoldputaway. Tada!!! Except Cali of course. We're switching off helping her with hers on her day. But still, yes! And no one has to figure out who's socks are whose. And no one has to fold anyone else's underwear. And no one has to figure out if those are Cali's pants or Emily's stretch pants. And I won't have to search 12 places for one shirt ever again. I'm so proud of us. We are the smartest people I know!

Now, we just have to take care of the laundry mess we already have so we can implement our new genius system.....

Random pictures on my computer- take 2

2009-09-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

First competition

2009-09-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Emily's first gymnastics competition. We went to the park Saturday night to practice. There are a couple of bar tricks that she doesn't have yet, but she's close. She wasn't any closer by the end of our practice. So much for my career as a gymnastics coach.
After bar practice we did some backhandspring practice. I spotted her. She kicked me in the head. "Mom, you're supposed to keep your head back"
"Yeah, thanks for that"

So she was a little nervous about bars, and her beam handstand. But you know what, she did everything she could do on bars and she didn't fall off the beam, and she came in 13th....which wasn't last. Go Em!

I'm going to throw up the video of her floor routine, because that's her favorite. I'm not going to talk about her wobbling or not pointing toes or all the things she wants me to point out for her improvement.

What I want to point out is her confidence and how she didn't fall on her head during her handspring, and her smile when she walks off. She had so much fun.

Sneak peek

2009-09-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

It's costume time again. I've already finished part of Emily's.

3 kids, 3 schools

2009-09-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

My baby went to school today. My little little baby....went....to....school. So weird.
She's ready for preschool though. I won't bombard you with all of her many accomplishments, just take my word for it, ok?

The morning started out.....hectic I guess would be the optimum word. Caliana is not used to waking up and going through a morning routine with the rest of us. She's used to sleeping in with Daddy and just going along at their own pace. We eventually got out the door, 20 minutes later than I had planned.

There is actually a lot of stuff to bring for the first day of preschool....

-backpack
-lunchbox with lunch that can all be opened by a 3 year old, which means no gogurts or capri-suns.
-folder full of all the requisite paperwork
-2 pictures of her
-change of clothes, because with 3 year olds, you just never know
-a sweater
-a blanket and a sheet for naptime.....side note about that* When I was going through trying to find a sheet for her to bring I came upon this winnie the pooh one that Damien used for all 3 years at that school. Had to use it for Caliana, just had to.

Emily and Damien wanted to go with to drop her off. They both went to that school, and thought it was so cool and cute that Cali was going there. The teachers were excited to see them and hugged and gushed and exclaimed about how big they are. They ate it right up. They showed Cali around while I took care of the paperwork/money part, then it was time to go.

Cali got a little apprehensive at that point and asked me to stay, so I knew it was time to haul butt out of there. I'm sure she's having a great time and I can't wait to hear all about it!

Getting her nails painted

All set!

New backpack (she's recently started watching Emily's old Strawberry shortcake DVD, so yay for liking characters where I can actually find merchandise!)

Matching lunchbox

On her way in (this picture makes her look nervous, but she really wasn't)

Damien bringing her to the back (hard to believe he was ever that little)

Emily and Damien took some pictures of her playing

She doesn't love the camera

The princess and her attendants

Must be sneakier

2009-09-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed I've mostly been posting pictures of Caliana. What about the other kids you say? Well I try. This is the photo I got when I pointed the camera at my son today.

Could he look more offended that I'm taking his picture?

And then this one. She photographs well....but it's the same pose and smile every time. She's too aware, and contrary to the boy, loves the camera.

But I'll keep working on them.

Very Cali-esque

2009-09-12T13:09:00.000-07:00

In Caliana's gymnastics class, they always start by sitting in a circle and doing stretches. The teacher makes up little stories that make it fun for them, for instance making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on their legs, and being a seal arching their back and ducking from the shark. Well, one of these stretches is pretending to wash their hands. Every time the teacher says "Ok, let's wash our hands" all the children start pretending.....except Caliana.
She jumps up and says "I'll be right back, I have to go wash my hands" and runs off to the bathroom. The other parents laugh and comment on how cute and tiny she is, and sometimes other kids try and follow her, and the teacher, well, she never learns.

After class, we went to ToysRus to buy her a new lunchbox. After she sat in every one of the power wheels cars, at least 3 times each, I got her over to the lunchboxes. She grabbed a Jonas brothers one first, because it was at her eye level, but after I talked her out of that, she ended up with Strawberry shortcake. I think she was more excited though about the new cups we bought with the flip up straws. Next we had to stop by the train table to play. There was a little boy already there. He was about 4 or 5. Cali kept gently stepping right in front of him and saying "thank you, escuse me"
He was very gracious about it and just kept shifting over slightly to play at a different section of the table, until she would notice and step in front of him again. "Thank you, escuse me" I'm not sure if she just liked what he was playing with, or if she was testing him...seeing how much he would let her get away with....she craves power you see. I have a feeling it is the latter.

After lunch we played a round of her ABC fishing game. I pulled out a lowercase E, and asked her what it is. She threw it right back at me, even though she knows. "what is it mom?"
I say "Hmm, I'm not sure, is it an "O"?
She looked at me like "Give me a break mom" and says "Noooooo, you stinker"

Ha, indeed. Must be where she got it.

When books come alive

2009-09-10T09:57:00.000-07:00

When I was little, 2nd, 3rd grade, one of my favorite books was James and the Giant Peach. I read it so many times. When Tim Burton did the movie some years back, I was SO very excited. Excited and then a little disappointed. I didn't appreciate Tim Burton then as I do now. Sometimes when a movie is made from a book, it's like magic. They pull the story out of your head and put it in front of your eyes. It's a beautiful thing.
Sometimes though, it's just a stunted, crippled version of all that you love. Sometimes they get it all wrong. Sometimes they pervert it, warp it, render it almost unrecognizable. But there's really no way to know until you see it.

There are 3 book movies coming out in the next 3 months, and I am excited for all 3.

This month is Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. We have this book. My kids know it. I remember doing a mural based on this book in 2nd grade. It's a family favorite. The movie looks fun and funny and the kids and I are anxious.

Next month is Where the Wild Things Are. I read this book when I was young. I wasn't particularly attached to it, but Damien was. He wanted this story over and over. And then Cali. They're both a little wild and could probably identify. The movie LOOKS amazing. I really hope it is.

In November.............you know.............right...............don't make me say it............I'd say I was going just because Emily is dying to see it, but that would be a lie. I'm not a fanatic, I don't have any merchandise or t-shirts or anything, but I am going to the midnight showing of New Moon. I just.....yeah.......whatever.......I'm not the only one.

School stuff

2009-09-08T14:45:00.000-07:00

Emily:

Forgot her clarinet for the second Tuesday in a row.

I said to her "So, are they going to kick you out of advanced band now?"

Her reply: "WHAT? No way, if I thought they were, I wouldn't go to school today. They can't kick me out if I'm not there."

Damien:

*sigh*
I got an email from his teacher again today. There was an altercation last Friday where Damien may or may not have called another kid a loser, other kid hit him, they fought. Today they both had to miss a recess for it. Something is bugging my boy and I'm going to get to the bottom of it. I will scrape out some of my miniscule spare time for him, with no sisters involved. Just some time to talk and help him get a grip on his emotions. I have to.

Caliana:

We went for a preschool visit this morning. It was the same preschool that Emily and Damien went to, so I was very familiar with it, and they with me. I chatted with the director while Caliana scoped out the place. The director was both Emily and Damien's pre-k teacher and asked about them.
I totally had diarrhea of the mouth. I was a braggert, I could hear it coming out, but not until it was too late, a product I'm sure of my past insecurities as a mother. These people knew me when life was a lot harder, when I made more mistakes, when the state paid for my childcare, when I was unmarried, when my 4 year old would not stop having accidents at school, when I didn't know that I didn't need to have all the answers. So now, today, I was so..... icky.
During our half an hour there, I told her.....

-Emily gets straight A's, is in advanced band and competing in gymnastics
-Damien is doing so well in school (didn't mention his behavior) and is such a good brother to Cali
-Caliana knows all her ABC's and colors, is potty trained and is more than ready for school
-I only have one more car payment till my car is paid off, and we'll probably, you know, buy another one in a few months
-I got a promotion since last time I was there, which is why I, ahem, am paying for childcare on my own now
-We have a 3 bedroom now

As we walked out of there, I wanted to smack myself. Why did I just say all of that? What is the matter with me? I am not usually such an approval seeker. Bleh, I need a shower now.
The good news is, Caliana really liked it, and will be attending 2 days a week starting next Tuesday.

A little late

2009-09-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late getting Caliana's 3 year pictures taken. It's been almost 2 months since her birthday. But we squeezed it in this morning, just after gymnastics. I never would have done that years ago. Pictures after gymnastics. No. I would have done the child's hair just before we left, and probably covered their clothes with an additional shirt or sweater or something.....just in case. But now, eh, I curled her hair, but if it got a little messed up in gymnastics, big deal. That's what she looks like. And she did great. And the pictures are adorable.

Wanna see?

You know you do.

Well, if not, just go away.

Damn, suspended

2009-09-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

Damien got sent home from school today. Patrick said the office was a little vague on the details. Something about an incident in line.
So I emailed his teacher. The response I got indicated he was supended for continuous disruption.

He:

A- rough housed with a boy in line - got a warning
B- continued rough housing at PE - was removed from PE
C- during the pledge he faced the class, gave the peace sign and nodded his head

So then he was taken to the office, where they decided on suspension.

She also mentioned he

-had an incident on the bus Monday (paperwork just says student must sit with feet and body facing forward)

-was playing roughly this week while they had a substitute

-has been disrupting the bus line

This totally sucks. I'm not sure how to get him to follow rules when I'm not around. We talk about it and talk about it and talk about it, he's punished at home....but somehow that doesn't translate to behave at school.

Part of me, the mom part, wants to be like...he's 7, he's a good kid, a smart kid, he just wants attention, he just wants to know that he's liked, he's just insecure.

But the other part of me, the responsible parent part, knows this needs to be nipped in the bud before he's a delinquent teen getting in fights and flipping off his teachers.

Random pictures on my computer- take 1

2009-09-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

Secret weapon

2009-08-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of this blog. I've been documenting all of my angst and parental pride and vacations and various haircuts for you all to see for an entire year. All 3 of you people who actually read this thing.
I meant to post this yesterday, on the actual day, but dag nab it, I was busy. You aren't the only thing in my life you know, just chill and give me some SPACE! Thanks, I'm ok now.

In celebration of this terribly important occasion, I'll tell you a story.

_______________________________

I was in college once. Well twice actually. 3 semesters if we're getting technical. Actually it wasn't college, it was JUNIOR college, but whatev.
This particular story takes place at a time when I was working a full time job. For the same company that I'm currently working, but back then I was single, and my kids were 4 and 1, and I made a lot less money.
Recap.....

-40 hr week job
-single mom
-school 4 nights a week (3 hours each night)
-SINGLE, which means needed a babysitter
-made $12/hr
-HOMEWORK
-my boss was a world class bitch

This is the year I started drinking coffee.

I don't think I need to spell out any further that I was stressed and always in a hurry. I was running a little late for class one night and the parking lot was always a madhouse. Cars were always circling, stalking students to claim their spots before they even made it to their cars. It could take 20 minutes to park.

On this day I was driving my mom's old gray van. I don't remember why. My Camry may have been broken, or out of gas, or some other such tragedy. Anyways, just as I pulled in the driveway I noticed a car starting to back out in the first row. There was also a truck coming around the corner from the second row, no doubt they saw the person leaving from the other side and were coming to claim that spot.

I showed zero hesitation. It was a war zone and it was every man for himself. I was a busy ass kicking mommy and I needed to get to class, so I could get home, so I could get my homework done, so I could get to sleep, so I could get to work, and yeah.
I cut off the truck.
I got the spot.
I knew it was rude.
I knew I was in the wrong.
But in war, you do what you gotta do.

I threw it in park and could see in my sideview mirror that the truck had stopped directly behind me. Two men jumped out. Well, men-boys. Probably 20 years old, ready to beat some respect into the freshman who stole their spot.

I touched up my chapstick, grabbed my purse and hopped down to the ground, ready to do battle.

I was wearing a baby pink skirt, black tank top, my hair up with curly tendrils, very ballerina-ish, and completely not what these men-boys were expecting. They stopped dead in their tracks, mouths open and......

well.... they retreated. Spoke not a word, but turned around, ran back to their truck and drove off.

It may be war, I may be out numbered, but I have boobs, so I win.

Whose homework?

2009-08-26T12:55:00.001-07:00

I really suck at keeping up with all of the kids' school work. We're in the second week of school now and I've already messed up.

Damien has to read to me every night for 20 minutes, AND I have to initial his reading log. We did the reading, forgot the initials, so he almost had to miss recess today because of it.
Emily has to read too, not to me though, but she always wants to know how long she read and I guess I'm the one with the stopwatch. Plus I have to sign her reading log every week.
She forgot to bring her math book home once already, and I had to sign a paper that her homework was late.
On top of the regular school paperwork, I had to register Emily for advanced band, and redo the bus registration. Damien wants to sign up for piano through his school.

Plus....I have to quiz Damien on his spelling words, and Emily has to be at school 45 minutes early on Wednesdays now for band, but Damien isn't supposed to be on school grounds until 15 minutes before school starts.
Tomorrow's Damien's back to school night, Emily's is next week.

Not to mention the food. I bought enough....or what I thought was enough, lunch-ey type food for a few weeks at least, but here we are after 7 school days and this morning the only thing they had to pack was a sandwich. Thank you Patrick and Cali. I had to run in 7-11 on the way to drop them off and get them chips, string cheese, beef jerky, a rice krispy treat and gave them both milk money.
Is it summer yet? I'm exhausted already.

Little butterfly

2009-08-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

Emily and Damien spent Saturday with a friend, so Patrick and I took Caliana to the city kid's festival.

This is her playing with a magnet table at the traveling kids' museum. A photographer for the paper was chasing her around taking pictures.

Getting her face painted.

Not timid about sliding headfirst....even after she somersaulted down

Multitasking

A day to remember

A hole in my face

2009-08-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

I was 18 when I got my bellybutton pierced. It was unplanned. I was at the tattoo studio with a good friend, her boyfriend and my 3 month old Emily.
My friend was getting a fairy tattoo and wanted me to come along. While I was watching her get inked, I casually mentioned that it would be cool to get my bellybutton pierced and my friend was like "GO, do it, I'll even pay for it!"

So I left my baby under the care of her boyfriend (who I knew through high school), and went off to another room. I remember laying on a chair, a lot like a dentist's chair, and the clamps, and I got a little hot, and my heart was racing. And the needle, it hurt, a lot. It took a long time to heal, over a year. I hear that bellybuttons take a long time anyways, but I'm sure nursing my daughter didn't help speed things along. It was sore for a long time.

When I was 6 months pregnant with Damien, I took it out. When he was done nursing, I tried to put it back. It had closed up, partially. I spent a good half an hour in front of the mirror in my room trying to force it back through. Probably the most masochistic thing I have ever done.
It eventually went through, and less than a year later, my body rejected it.

________________________________________

I was 24 when I got my nipples pierced. I'm not sure where I got the idea, because that so is not me, except I guess it is. It was January. I had a 5 year old and a 2 year old, and we were living on my job that paid $12 an hour. It wasn't easy, and I rarely bought things for myself. So when I got my tax return, I got pierced and then we went to Toys R Us and bought a gamecube. I remember spending that evening with them playing Mario Sunshine.

I went to a different studio that time. Mostly because they had a piercing happy hour, where all piercings were 30% off, and hey I was on a budget.
The strangest part of that experience was going into a small room with a man I had just met, and standing there with no shirt on while he knelt in front of me and made the marks. I was prepared for the same kind of pain as my bellybutton, but it wasn't as bad. Perhaps because I had already nursed two babies by that point. I loved those piercings, but they're not the type you get to share with a lot of people.

I had to take them out a year and a half later to nurse Caliana.

______________________________________________

So yesterday I decided to get pierced again. This time with something that wouldn't interfere should I choose to procreate again. I went back to "happy hour" and had the same piercer as before. I got prepped, and felt that familiar hot flash and shortness of breath, but it was nothing. By far the easiest one thus far. Easier than my ears even.

I guess getting stabbed with a needle is a pretty masochistic method of therapy and self indulgence, but.....it's also exciting, and my day needed some excitement.

I'm loving it.

I has caffeine please?

2009-08-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

Today is living up to the "tedious Thursday" reputation. It was overcast until lunchtime, and now the sun is shining, but it feels more oppressive than glorious. My work is all around me, mocking. Plenty to do, but not enough focus. The coffee has worn off. I had a healthy sandwich for lunch, which just didn't have nearly enough sugar to keep me amped up. Yesterday I was drinking red bull with licorice for a straw. Now that's the way to do it.
Burnout. I think that's what this looks like. I am not fulfilled in my work. No....I'm not going to go there in this post. I've had enough of the "what should I do with my life" ramblings.
The only point of this post was that I'm sitting here, completely unmotivated, with the drudgery and the heavy limbs, and the droopy eyelids, watching the clock. And it sucks.

I think I'm going to do something exciting after work. Something to liven up my day. Something just for me. Stay tuned.

First day

2009-08-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

*
Bus:

I told them their bus number 20 times. Number 220. We even made up a little reminder phrase.....2 minus 2 is 0! Brilliant, no?

Damien got on bus number 222.
Then when it got to Emily's school, he got OFF the bus to go find Emily. Then they asked someone which bus they were supposed to get on and that someone directed them to bus number 223, which went kind of near our house, but they ended up having to walk like a half a mile. Today, maybe they'll listen to me.

*
In the class:

Damien was a few minutes late, and everyone was already seated at their desks when he walked in. As he sat in his seat, a boy near him yelled out "Oh my god, he has an earring! Dude, how old are you?"
Damien replies, "seven"

Then the teacher asks, "how many of you are seven?"
The majority of the class raises their hands.
Then she asked how many kids were 8.
Only the "oh my god" boy raised his hand.

I have a feeling he's going home on a mission. "But MOM, there's a SEVEN year old in my class that has HIS ear pieeeeeerrrrrced."

_______________________________________________

Emily had to do "getting to know you" interviews with another girl in her class. They pair up, ask each other questions and then read the other persons name and 3 interesting things about them to the class. I remember doing this in high school.

Emily remembers everything that was read about her to the class, but she couldn't tell me a single thing about the girl she interviewed. Not even her name. So much for "getting to know you"

*
At home:

I really like the kids getting home before I do. By the time I got there, Patrick had already gone through their backpacks, set aside the paperwork for me, and had them do their homework.
For the first day, their homework was to gather items that represented things they liked and put them in a paper bag.
Damien had an apple, his legos, a drawing of a skull that his dad drew......
Emily had an Avril Lavigne CD, a book, some of her gymnastics and cheer awards.....

And I had homework too. 2 FAT packets of paperwork. Where I had to write emergency pick up names and numbers no less than 4 times..... each. Mildly irritating to say the least.

Emily's teacher had also sent home a "parent perspective" worksheet, where I had to write about her.

Things like her "academic strengths and weaknesses, her special talents, hobbies, fears and insecurities..."

Emily hovered the entire time I filled it out. I was as honest as possible, while trying not to be too braggy or too critical.....and with the knowledge that Emily herself would be reading it. She grabbed it as soon as I was done, read it, and stated that it made her "feel really good about herself"
Phew.

back at it

2009-08-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

Summer is over.

Wait, let me rephrase that, since it IS mid-August and the sun is blazing down upon us.

Summer vacation is over.

Not that I get a vacation. Except I kind of do. I get a vacation from the morning school traffic, and the paperwork and the conferences and the lunch packing and all that.

My kids started 2nd and 5th grade today. At separate schools. Two local elementary schools combined and split the grades this year. That means Damien is the senior at his new school since it only has grades K-2. It also means he gets more opportunity than he did before, like getting to use the school computers.
Emily is still at the same school she's always been, except now it only has grades 3-6, which means she's also provided more opportunity, like spanish classes. They're both very excited, as am I.

It also means a whole lot of new kids, the kids that went to that other school last year are now all intermingled with the ones they've shared classes with for a few years. Like I said, lots of opportunity.

This will also be their first year riding the bus home. I'm very nervous about that, especially since they're at different schools. Damien gets out in 10 minutes and has to find his way onto the correct bus. It will then head over to Emily's school. I told her that if she gets on that bus and doesn't see her brother, she needs to TELL SOMEONE! Knowing her, she'll do a quick scan, won't see him and panic. But, it will all be ok, right? Right. I can't wait to hear how it all went.

In the meantime.......pictures.

And he counted the money SIX times

2009-08-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

I work in accounting. I do a lot of banking. At one of our banks there is a teller named Arthur. Arthur Walsh. I know this because EVERY time I deal with him, he tells me that we have the same last name. EVERY time. And I go there a lot. Not only for this reason, but numerous other unspecific ones, this guy just rubs me the wrong way.

Today's conversation went something like this.

Arthur: HEY there! Miss Walsh right? We have the same last name!

Me: Huh?

Arthur: Brittany, right?

Me: Brandi

Arthur: CLOSE ENOUGH!

*I tell him what business I need taken care of*

Arthur: Sure, just a few minutes, I need an override.....thanks for your patience.....I mean what else would you be doing right? I mean if you weren't here, or working....or whatever you do on a Friday

Me: Uh....I'd probably be taking my kids school shopping. They go back Monday.

Arthur: That must be a relief for you.

Me: (because I talk too much) Not really, I work, so right now, they're home and I'm not. I just get up and go to work. Now I'm going to have to get them up, make sure they get dressed and off to school and all that. There are advantages to the routine though. They brush their teeth more often during the school year.

Arthur: Really?

Me: That was a joke

Arthur: *looking kind of confused and having difficulty counting my money*.... I....uh....I don't get it.

Me: I just meant....less structure during the summerrrrr...nevermind.

Even though we share the same last name, we're definitely not related.

Maybe next year

2009-08-12T15:30:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager....a younger teenager....I paid my own way into the fair every year.
My best friend and I had a very enterprising business of selling lemonade on a local park's bike trail. We rode our bikes....and sometimes walked, in the heat, pulling a wagon full of supplies. We set up at the top of two hills and sold to everyone. Everyone that brought money with them on their bike ride or hike that is. We also gave free water to the dogs and passed the time riding down the hills in our wagon. Fond memories these. When I really think about it, we were a bit old to be having a lemonade stand, but we actually did pretty well. As well as you can I guess at 25 cents a cup.

It would usually be just enough money to get us in and get all day ride bracelets. And we stayed all day. And we rode the rides all day. With no money for food, or drinks. It was deathly hot and we would beg water from the different food stands. One such stand took pity on us and would give us food. It was a cajun restaurant and everything was spicy, but beggars can't be choosers. Plus their peach cobbler was delicious. The couple who ran it was so kind, they remembered us year after year and I still think of them every time I eat jambalaya. They were replaced years ago by Johnny Garlic's.

Nowadays, I go to the fair in a much different way. My mom went to school with the owners, so we only have to pay to get in, and then the entire family is provided with ride bracelets, umbrella tables in the shade, an entire lunch spread, bottled water, sodas, bottles of wine, caramel apples, cheesecake..........

Sorry, I had to go get a snack.

I do the rides differently too. All those years ago, we spent the majority of our time on the zipper and the kamikaze, flipping and twirling and screaming.

Now my ride partner is 3 years old, and I got to ride such exciting rides as the caterpillar roller coaster, the bouncing cars and the super slide.

Around 9 pm I met up with Patrick and the older kids. Patrick asked if there was anything else I wanted to do or if I wanted to head home. I looked wistfully towards the zipper and just then Damien threw up.

I guess you can't have your cheesecake and eat it too.

sympatico

2009-08-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

I get home from work, totally wiped out, I flop down on the couch. My husband flops down in the desk chair a few feet away. We just stare, not speaking a word, trying to replenish our depleted stores of energy.

The kids are running in and out, grabbing toys and blankets. Emily is hosting a tea party for Cali and her dolls out on the grass. Cali stops suddenly, her arms full of her Buzz, Woody and Jessie dolls. She looks at me, looks at her dad, looks back at me and says

"Mom, I screamed all day. Dad got mad."

He keeps staring and nods slowly.

She grins and runs off yelling

"We playing with we friends and we dolls!"

Thank god for older siblings.

Too tuckered to type

2009-08-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

I am tired. I am stressed. My brain is somewhere between numb and fuzzy.

I can't seem to string together a coherant sentence (not claiming that this is news). I can't seem to get enough of anything lately.

Enough time, enough money, enough sleep, enough coffee...........

Enough bitching? Ok.

___________________________________

Caliana had her doctor appointment last Friday. 26lbs, 36 inches. Just to get that out of the way.

She really enjoys doctor and dentists offices. She likes being given instructions and asked questions.

When the dr came in, she started right up with the questions

dr: who lives at home?

me: well, there's daddy, and Emily....she's 10.

dr: *glances up quickly* TEN??

me: yes.....and there's Damien, he's 7.

dr: SEVEN??

me: yeah....uh...

dr: what's daddy's name?

me: Patrick

dr: and how old is he?...

me: 28

dr: *another quick glance at me" how old are YOU??

me: 28

dr: *shakes head and goes back to writing*

I don't really blame her. The average age of a woman starting a family in this area is about 40.

Next she asked:

"where does Cali go when you're working?"

"she's at home"

"does your husband work from home?"

"no"

"*sigh* well, where does she go when you're BOTH at work?"

"my husband is a stay at home dad"

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Then she had a whole slew of questions:

"Where do you work?"
"Is he looking for work?"
"Is he going to be looking for work after the kids go back to school?"
"Isn't that hard on you, being the sole provider?"

I started to feel kinda bad for all the stay at home dads out there. It's a big job he does, taking care of our children and the home every day. I don't think she would have been asking me these questions if I was the working dad and he was the stay at home mom.

All in all though, Caliana is perfectly healthy. Advanced verbally and cognitively and even in the "way she moves". Not that I didn't know that already.

We did discuss the immunizations. The decision was made to do the ones that are potentially fatal, and to space them out.

So she had a couple. She didn't like it, but that girl is tougher than she looks.

When it was all over I hugged her and asked

"are you ready to go home?"

"No, I want to stay at the doctor"

Go figure.

And I was all hers

2009-07-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

One of the most difficult things about having 3 children is finding enough time.....and energy to give them individual, QUALITY time. At least for me, that's a challenge. For one thing, I'm at work all day, five days a week, so my time at home is already limited. We spend a lot of that home time as a family, doing things ALL TOGETHER.
Even if you don't have kids, you know what I'm talking about. It's the difference between spending time with a group of friends and with one individual friend.
In a group, you divide your attention, your friends divide their attention, things can get loud and hectic....this is the typical state of my family.

Rarely is it the one on one conversation of just you and a close friend, focusing only on each other, no distractions, just an intimate exchange. Patrick and I get that after the kids go to bed, and we do make time to get out without the kids. But when it comes to me and my kids, one on one time, is scarce.

Yesterday though, Emily and Damien spent the night at their aunt's house, and Patrick went to his friend's house for a little bit. So for a couple hours it was just me and my monkey. And I was not stressed, and I was in the moment, and she could tell the difference. And we connected.

We played 4 rounds of her new board game, made dinner....which is a much simpler affair when it's for 2, rather than 5. She played in her pool, and I just sat and watched and talked with her. A simple thing, but so elusive, that uninterrupted calm.

We had peaches for dessert, and she tried to give me some of hers. I gave her a bath, washed and brushed her hair. We brushed her teeth, and I read her some books.

We laughed and smiled. We hugged and cuddled.

We're friends, my girl and I.

Pick up pieces

2009-07-28T19:38:00.001-07:00

This is how Caliana plays poker. Messy, but fixable.

This is how Caliana plays pick up sticks

Remember that game? I loved that game. In case you can't tell, each one of these is snapped into two or more pieces. Let me bring you in for a closer look.

I guess the snapping and tossing was oh so satisfying

I wouldn't know, I've never been the destructive type

What? You have a problem with the way I play?

Tough.

But I'm so good at it

2009-07-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

I'm jealous of women who know they're done having kids. They know what they want, and they are confident and sure. "Abslolutely, we are DONE! Got my tubes tied after number 2" Blah blah blah. I have not felt this certainty in my own life. I keep expecting it to happen.

1 kid.....no way am I done

2 kids.....no not quite.

3 kids.....uhhhhh, 3 is a good amount, but.....but......I just....I'm not feeling that done-ness.

I probably shouldn't even write about this because my husband will read it, and I will go home and get a lecture. Plus all the well meaning questions from friends. "Are you guys really thinking of having another one?"

NOT that I don't get the questions already.

"You guys are DONE now right?"
"You're not having any more are you?"
"Wow, you're like a little baby factory, aren't you?"

Yes, that's me, baby factory. You nailed it. Insert ingredients here....wait 9 months.....your product will be delivered from the same door. Or 9 months and then some because my factory runs a little behind schedule.

My mom had 4, my grandma had 5, and just look at the Gosselins and the Duggars! See I'm not that crazy. But, I can't help but think of my mom. She was baby number 5 in her family. If my grandparents hadn't said "screw it, let's have another" she wouldn't be here. Neither would I. Or *sob* my children. And that just makes the decision to be done seem so huge. Who might I be depriving the world of?

People tell me I'm still young, and I don't have to decide soon, but I'm already here and doing it. 10 years of parenting under my belt thus far. How long till starting over is just too daunting. This factory can't stay open forever....

Wait, don't shoot!

2009-07-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

My sister called me from Florida. Her daughter is starting kindergarten this year and she's been having a difficult time getting ahold of the dr's office here to get a copy of her shot records. So I went down there for her. I brought Cali with me. She thought it was neat. She has no fear of doctors.

She hasn't been to one since she was 2 months old. That's when her dr quit her practice. Lo and behold I could not find a single doctor that took her insurance that was also accepting new patients. So I gave up. She's incredibly healthy. She's never had an ear infection or a high fever or anything beyond the occasional sniffles.

But what about her immunizations you ask? The answer is simple. We haven't been doing them. I have 2 friends with sons with medical/behavioral problems. Severe. Both started with seizures. Both are in special schools. And both swear it's because of their immunizations. My other friend's daughter also developed shingles after getting the chicken pox vax. That was enough anecdotal evidence to give me pause.

Now I know that there are no proven links, and I know that immunizations have all but eradicated many diseases in our society, but I also know that there is a fund set up for families of children damaged by immunizations. What's up with that?

I've tried "researching" but there is just so much "he said, she said" and I really don't know where I stand. Autism vs. Polio. Ya know?
It's a lot like the debate on circumcision. Most people have very very strong opinions, based on what they've done personally with their own children. But, on that topic, I can just go with my instincts as a mother. It's a lot less complicated.

So, immunizations have been on my mind a lot lately. She only has 2 more years until she starts school. Emily and Damien got all of their shots and they're fine. I feel she probably should be immunized, but I'm thinking I'll space them out and skip a few, like chicken pox.

I've set up an appointment for her to have a check up next week, and I'll talk with her new doctor about it. I'm not looking forward to Cali changing her views on doctors though.

Remember

2009-07-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

Photography is magic. A moment in life, frozen, captured on paper, held there for eternity. If I were granted 3 wishes, one of them would be that my entire life would be held somewhere on film, that I could go relive any moment I choose, remember details that time forgot.

This is the oldest photo I have of my husband and I together. It's not even a real photo. It's a printout from a black and white sketch photo booth at chuck e cheese. Bought for a dollar. We were 21. It was taken more than 10 years after we met. 7 years after our first kiss. I'm not even looking at the camera. But he loved that hat. A moment. Details. Magic.

Bits of a day

2009-07-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

Gymnastics:

I can admit now that I was a little concerned about how she might act in a "structured" setting with a stranger for a teacher and all. After all, she's only ever been to her grandma's house for daycare and is now home full time with Daddy, so no preschool or anything to prep her. Plus, she JUST turned 3.
However, I'm pleased to announce that she did wonderfully. She jumped right in like she'd been doing it for years. Enthusiastic is an understatement. She was go go all the time. Front of the line, I can do this thanks. And at the end, she said "I want to do that AGAIN!"

Here are a few not so great pictures. Btw how cute is it that she's wearing Emily's old unitard?

Balloons

Since I couldn't find tom and jerry supplies anywhere, I decided to decorate in red and silver. The party store I went to was out of the silver balloons in the small package, so I was like "I NEED silver balloons, I can't do just red, that would throw off the entire thing!" So I bought the giant $8 bag of silver balloons and decided we could use some of the extra for water balloons.
The thing is, Patrick was supposed to decorate and fill up the water balloons while I took Cali to gymnastics and then went home to make my pigs in a blanket and separated the hamburger into patties.
Turns out we couldn't fill up the water balloons at the lake because of a water shortage or something, so Patrick sent all of the children with me, so they could do the water balloons while I cooked. There were a few problems with this scenario.

#1 He sent all of the balloons home with me, so he had none to decorate. Waste.Of.Money.

#2 The kids could fill the water balloons, but they couldn't tie them. I tried to teach them. They are dysfunctional. So I cooked, and every 10 seconds I stopped, wiped my hands on a towel, and tied a balloon. I dropped no less than 3. I was wet, the kitchen was wet, and the kids were soaked. But we had water balloons, and it was fun.

The Banner

The banner was perfect and underappreciated.

The cake

The cake was an unexpected delight. It turned out much better than I imagined it would. I was stumped at first. What could I use to build a 48 cupcake tom head on? SO Patrick took a large picture frame and covered it with butcher paper, but then I was like "um, it has to be able to fit in the fridge" So then he was like "why don't you just use one of the fridge racks?" and I was like "you're a flippin genius!" So that's what I did and it worked perfectly.
Caliana LOVED it. She kept wanting to go look at it in the fridge.

Here's a quick video of the attempt to blow out the candles. I had to covertly help out, because she can blow, she just can't aim.

This is the beauty of a cupake cake......no knives, no plates, no forks, no serving. Just have everyone dig in.

I made everyone stop halfway through so I could document the mutilation of Tom.

The guests

We had a really good turnout and everyone seemed to have a good time. Lots of smiling.

The husband

Was awesome. He set up. He cooked. He cleaned up. I really recommend getting yourself one of these.

The girl

The girl turned 3. The girl swam. The girl ate a little food and a lot of cake. The girl got lots of presents and played with her friends. The girl had a wonderful time, even if she doesn't show it for the camera

The girl got worn out. Turning 3 is tiring.

red and grey is close enough, right?

2009-07-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

We're throwing a party for Caliana up at the lake tomorrow. Complete with swimming, water balloons (maybe), and good food (definitely).
Tonight I have to bake 48 cupcakes and try and smoosh them all together and frost them to look like Tom's head (from tom and jerry, not the myspace guy). I may or may not be sharing a picture of my work on Monday. In fact I may give up and just smear all the frosting together into one big blue grey mass, because I am SO not artistic. But I'm going to try, because it's the only way she's getting a tom and jerry cake.
I will however also be making my delicious salami roll ups and honey-brown sugar pigs in a blanket, which I'd be glad to take a picture of, but you won't get the full effect. I haven't figured out how to translate flavor through a photo yet. Just trust me when I say....divine.
I have to run after work today to pick up red and grey party supplies, because no one anywhere in the U.S. of A. has tom and jerry party supplies. But lucky for me, I work for a graphic design company and they whipped me up an awesome tom and jerry happy birthday banner, so at least there's that.

I think over the next year I'll try and cultivate in her a love for spongebob or barbie or hannah montana. That shit is everywhere.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-07-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

-We no longer are lugger arounders of the pink potty. It is staying right where it belongs in the downstairs bathroom. There will be no more peeing in the trunk of the car. We had a breakthrough on Tuesday. Caliana and I were at the gym watching Emily's gymnastics practice. About an hour and a half in, Cali says "I wan go home and go potty"
I grabbed her hand and said "no come on let's go" and we ran to the bathroom. She started to resist, but I plopped her on the big potty, and she unwittingly..... went. And then she was surprised, and then pleased. And then she wanted to go again, and then again, and really I got pretty tired of standing around in the bathroom. But if that's what I've gotta do, I'll do it.
At least that one time.

-My dance company is closing. Due to..................can you guess..............the economy. Not enough enrollment. Not enough money. So my dance class is no more and I'm terribly sad about it. How am I supposed to get my hour a week of exercise now? I've been thinking of finding a class somewhere else, but I may wait a couple months. I need to grieve properly.

-My baby turned three yesterday. THREE! That is just so old. She's not in diapers anymore, not in a crib or a toddler bed even. She's just not a baby anymore. I was SO eager for this stage with my first. Yay, all the new things we get to do, that she can do, and shopping together and reading, and extra curriculars and look at all of the toys that are for ages 3 and up that I can buy her. But I've been there, done that, so it's harder now. I'm still excited to watch Cali grow, and get to try new things, but it's still so heart wrenching. I want her to be my baby too.
She gets to start gymnastics on Saturday morning. She's been yearning for it since she could walk. She's spent a lot of time at that gym, but has never got to run out on it's mats, or jump on it's trampolines, or swing on it's bars, or even step beyond the barrier of the gate. So this is huge in her world. I pulled out Emily's old unitards and leotards and we tried them all on her, and she looks so big and so tiny all at once. Please excuse me while I go cry all over my keyboard.

If I had wings

2009-07-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me this morning if I'm still going to be a pilot. I told them "I don't know."
In case you didn't know, that's what I decided to "Be when I grow up". I decided a few years ago. I found a school that will have you "working in your field" in 15 months. I drove the six hours to tour the place, and ask all of my questions, and I was like "hell yes, I'm going to jump in and DO THIS!" So I took a lesson, just to make sure, and then I wrote my essay, and submitted my application, and I paid the $500 deposit, and I waited. And I was rejected. Rejected because of my credit. Because life happens, and sometimes you're a single mom with 2 kids, trying to live on $12 an hour and sometimes the cable gets shut off because it's that or food, or rent or the car payment that gets you to and from work. But I'm much better now, I promise. But promises don't count.

So then they asked me if I had anyone willing to cosign on the student loan. For $55,000. Yeah right. If I did, do you think my cable would have been shut off all those years ago? Pff. So that was over a year ago, and then the economy freaked out, and planes started crashing, and I've tried to back out. It's too hard.....I'm lucky to even have a job....maybe the crashes are a warning from god to go another direction......my family is depending on me to support them.....it would be stupid to give up my job and go into debt....I don't qualify anyways....I'm getting too old....I shouldn't uproot the kids, they have lives too ya know.....

But sometimes, I'm disappointed in myself. You're going to let all of that stop you Brandi? What about perseverance? What about letting nothing stand in your way? What about going for what you want?

But what if I don't know what I want? Shouldn't I know? I'm 28, not 18. I should know.

I just don't know.

Mommy's helper

2009-07-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

I woke up early yesterday. Early early. Like 4am early. Cali was crying. I was just about to drag my half asleep self from bed when I heard her calm down and start talking. She shares a room with Damien and he had woken up.

C: Damien I pee my bed *sniff*

Instead of saying "Go tell mommy and daddy" he says

D: Ok baby, come on

Then he takes her to the bathroom (in between their room and mine) and runs a bath. He helps her undress, helps her in, calms her down and rinses her off.

I lay in bed, torn. Should I get up and relieve him of this duty. I'm the parent after all. But on the other hand, he's handling it well. It's good for him to help take responsibility for his baby sister.

Eventually I got up because I hadn't heard anything but the water running for a few minutes, so I had awful images of him having gone back to bed or something and the water overflowing and.............her left alone.

But no, he sat quietly on the toilet, the water was only half full and he had a towel all ready for her.

D: Oh, hi mom, Cali wet the bed, so I was helping her clean up

Me: Ok, so you got this? Want me to get some clean jammies for her?

D: sure

I got them for him and went back to bed. I try not to look at in terms of my own laziness, but more as a favor for Damien's future wife. Right? Right.

Not much help

2009-07-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

"Hey Cali, what do you want for you birthday?"

"PRRRRRRESENTS!!!!!!!!"

"What kind of presents?"

"CAKE!"

Yes, I do like pictures, thanks for asking

2009-07-10T08:33:00.001-07:00

If I had started this blog way back forever and 3 years ago before my baby was born, I would have subjected you to the photos I had taken of her monthly. I didn't do this with my other kids, but thought it would be fun this time. Granted, Emily did have her fair share of studio shots, but that's because I worked in a portrait studio during her first year. But it wasn't done in the supremely organized manner that Cali's were.
Now, just because I didn't have the forsight to start this blog sooner, doesn't mean that you should have to miss out on these photos. I know you're dying to see them. Wait! Don't die yet. They're coming up. Just hold on.......

One month. She was born with all of that hair. It covered her entire head. The staff at the hospital said they'd never seen a "caucasian" baby with so much hair. She slept through her entire first photo session, which was fine with me. This is exactly what she looked like at one month. Sleeping. All the time. Except you know, at night.

Two months. That background looked much prettier in person. In the photos it reminds me of custard. Like baby in a pie. But look at the tiny little bow on her elbow, and she's smiling. It's not easy to catch a two month old smiling on camera.

Three months. I paid a LOT more for these pictures than for the other months, because they brought in "special" backgrounds and props. Insane amount of money really, and I never signed up for another "special sitting". But the remarkable thing about this picture is that my baby is 3 months old and standing! Yes, I'm holding her hands, but just wow. Cool huh?

Four months. I loved these shots. The red was just so BOLD. And so different from the muted pastel-ey colors we had previously done. The studio actually used this picture for their Valentines Day display. I think they liked the ginormous bow.

Five months. Her outfit just happened to match this background almost perfectly so we went with it. I love this shot. I learned a long time ago to love serious faces, because the EYES! My god, I can die on the spot.

Six months. This picture marks the end of the headband era. Her hair was just getting too long for them to work right. Not that it's not a little bit crazy here, but hey, you try styling a full head of hair on a six month old. They still lay down a good amount of time. Makes for some crazy bed head. Also, most of the photos around six months, appear with a pinkish ring around her mouth, because she was in full on drool mode. She stayed in that mode for a good while.

Seven months. I had to do something with that hair! This month marks the emergence of the pigtails. Not that you can actually see them on that black background. That would be the only time I would use black for her shots. Plus with the black pants....she looks like half of a baby with no hair.

8 months. One of my favorite sittings. You can really grasp the full effect of the pigtails here. And the dress. It was very spring-y and feminine. I couldn't pick just one.

9 months. She's looking more like a toddler and less like a baby. Please note the bruise on her forehead. She loved to stand up and pretend she could walk, which resulted in many carpet crashing face plants. It was around this time I started calling her "monkey".

10 months. And the hair comes down. Three pigtail months in a row, seemed like enough. This was my least favorite of her sittings. She sogged her shirt up good before we went, and something about the rustic crate....I just wasn't feeling it. But look at that smile.

11 months. This sitting made me forget all about the 10 month mess. She had a red nose from yet another face plant, but I adored it anyways. The chair, the outfit, the high pony, and the personality! I remember viewing these photos for the first time and thinking, oh my god, she looks like......ME!

By her one year photos, she was like "hey people I got this! I'm a model from waaaaayyyyyy back. You want variety? You want personality? No problem. Just don't forget to sign the paperwork with my agent."

Role reversal

2009-07-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

She was 5
He was 2
He was a trying toddler
She had eternal patience
She pushed him
He laughed
Big sister
Caring for little brother

He is 7
She is 10
He is strong
She is carefree
He carries her
She laughs
He smiles
Little brother will someday be
Big brother

Will there be a test on this?

2009-07-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm an accounting manager. I'm pretty good with numbers. I have a lot of them floating around in my head. Bank account numbers, routing numbers, federal tax id numbers, logins and passwords, resale numbers and phone numbers.

I do have a pretty good memory for these things. I'm the token family member that everyone calls to clarify when so and so's birthday is.

But with all of that, it's nothing to compare with the numbers of parenting. It starts with the number of weeks pregnant you are....the day of your last period and your due date.

Then with the birth of your child comes a whole slew of them.

For example...........

Emily was born 8 days late, on 5/23/99 at 8:37 after 36 hours of labor, 9lbs even, 22 inches, and I even know her social security number. But lord help me, I don't know what room number we were in or her head circumfrence.

2 additional kids later, and I still manage to retain all of this info. Although I will admit that I only know half of Damien's social, and Caliana's not at all.

As they grow, the numbers continue to accumulate. How old they were when they rolled over, laughed, crawled, walked.......how long they breastfed. 13 months, 11 months and 14.5 months respectively, if you want to get technical.

And why do we need all of this info? Other moms want to know. What week of pregnancy did I start getting morning sickness? When did it stop? When did I start to show? How long did I push? And on and on.

Yesterday, I was at Emily's gymnastics practice and there were a couple of women sitting behind me chatting. They both had little girls approaching one year and they were comparing stats.

"How many teeth does she have?"

"Eight!"

I'm so glad no one asks me this any more. I have no idea. The teeth come in, the teeth fall out, more come in. I don't even know how many teeth "I" have. Why do we care? It's hard enough to keep all of my own stats straight, I don't need to know how many teeth a strangers baby has at any point in time. Or that her baby started walking at 9 3/4 months. NOT that I didn't do it too. I'm totally guilty. But, it's all kind of ridiculous. No wonder I can never tell you what room number my kid is in. I can barely remember what grade they're in.