If I had wings

Someone asked me this morning if I'm still going to be a pilot. I told them "I don't know."
In case you didn't know, that's what I decided to "Be when I grow up". I decided a few years ago. I found a school that will have you "working in your field" in 15 months. I drove the six hours to tour the place, and ask all of my questions, and I was like "hell yes, I'm going to jump in and DO THIS!" So I took a lesson, just to make sure, and then I wrote my essay, and submitted my application, and I paid the $500 deposit, and I waited. And I was rejected. Rejected because of my credit. Because life happens, and sometimes you're a single mom with 2 kids, trying to live on $12 an hour and sometimes the cable gets shut off because it's that or food, or rent or the car payment that gets you to and from work. But I'm much better now, I promise. But promises don't count.

So then they asked me if I had anyone willing to cosign on the student loan. For $55,000. Yeah right. If I did, do you think my cable would have been shut off all those years ago? Pff. So that was over a year ago, and then the economy freaked out, and planes started crashing, and I've tried to back out. It's too hard.....I'm lucky to even have a job....maybe the crashes are a warning from god to go another direction......my family is depending on me to support them.....it would be stupid to give up my job and go into debt....I don't qualify anyways....I'm getting too old....I shouldn't uproot the kids, they have lives too ya know.....

But sometimes, I'm disappointed in myself. You're going to let all of that stop you Brandi? What about perseverance? What about letting nothing stand in your way? What about going for what you want?

But what if I don't know what I want? Shouldn't I know? I'm 28, not 18. I should know.

I just don't know.